If we don’t properly heal wounds of our past, they can easily get carried into our future relationships and show up, unprovoked. These can be traumas from childhood, school, past relationships etc., that activate our inner defences and, inadvertently, shield us from opening up to the love, joy and happiness of our new relationships – both with our partners and ourselves.

Today, we’re talking with Master Empowerment Coach, Ali Olivier, about releasing past wounds and reclaiming our inner radiance. Here, she shares how she helps women and men unpack the layers of their past that get in the way of their present and future by getting back to the core of who we are, beyond the barriers. She also provides examples of daily practices for nervous system regulation and exercises for inner child work.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

• Inner child work and healing
• Creating safety in our bodies
• Expanding our window of tolerance
• The role of anger in emotional health
• The power of group healing
• Balancing (and honouring) past and future versions of yourself
• Healing from trauma
• Carrying old pain into new relationships
• Learning to trust yourself
• Connecting to your body
• How to distinguish intuition from anxiety
• Re-parenting: becoming the parent you didn’t have
• Creating boundaries with your parents
• How trauma gets stored in our bodies
• Exercises for releasing negative energy
• Practices for nervous system regulation
• Recognizing and releasing suppressed anger

My new book “You Grow Me: The Next Level Human Philosophy of Love, Sex and Romantic Connection” co-written by Dr. Jade Teta (Next Level Human podcast) is available now! It’s a big “f**k you” to unrealistic Hollywood love stories, and instead offers a fresh perspective on how personal growth is intertwined with romance. You can buy your copy of You Grow Me on Amazon here. Please read and let me know your takeaways! Email me or DM me on Instagram.

CONNECT WITH ALI

Ali’s Website & Retreats 

Ali Olivier on Instagram 

CONNECT WITH EMILY

COUPLES COACHING with Emily & Kelly Gardner (apply here)

Book A Private Coaching Call With Emily To Work Together

Get Your FREE Guide “The Four Tools Missing From Your Relationship” here

Join Emily’s email list here

Follow Emily on Instagram: @emilygoughcoach

Website: https://emilygoughcoaching.com/ 

BOOK: “You Grow Me: The Next Level Human Philosophy of Love, Sex and Romantic Connection”

 

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TRANSCRIPT

Emily: I am so excited. Allie, we’ve just been laughing for the last like half hour already while also unpacking pain and trauma at the same time, which I feel like that’s standard for us. You and I have done that a lot. So I’m so excited to have you here. It’s also shifting what we’re going to talk about a little bit today because we’re going to get more into like the juicy stuff that’s alive right now.

So, so excited to have you. I, I can’t wait for everyone to get to know you and to just feel your joy through their earbuds. So I’m so, I’m so pumped with us. Thank you for being here.

Ali: Oh, thank you, Emily. And like I said, I mean, we could speak for hours and I love the range from the hysterical laughing to, like you said, the deep pain and trauma all in one.

Just casual.

Emily: This is how we roll.

I love it. Tell people a little bit about who you are and what you do. You know, I just want to make sure that people are well acquainted with you to go connect with you because you are just a magical unicorn of a human. I, you and I attended a leadership event together in the fall.

And I think you were the second person I met and was immediately drawn to you and was like, Oh yeah, this, this, this one is my people. This one is totally my people. So tell us a little bit about what you do in the world and, and some of the beautiful things that you’re creating.

Ali: Yeah, thank you. Um, yes, so I’m an empowerment coach.

Um, I work with both men and women, but a lot of the stuff is around, um, women particularly at the moment and that’s with retreats. So I run, um, retreats here in Barcelona. Uh, workshops, one to ones, um, and for me, it’s really about unpacking all of those layers that are getting in our way. You know, a lot of the strategies we’ve learned from very young that we feel like is keeping us safe and getting the things that we want in the world, um, and stripping that all back to get to really the core, the truth of who we are, um, and really experiencing that inner freedom.

And that for me as well, with women, it’s a lot about really releasing that inner radiance. You know, my retreat is called Reclaim Your Radiance. For that reason, because I feel like we’ve all, especially with a lot of the personal development mindset work, it’s a lot about becoming something. And we end up actually looking outside of ourself for that part.

Um, and for me, it’s actually much more about remembering and reconnecting to those parts that already exist within us.

Emily: Oh, so true. I couldn’t agree more. You know, I actually have, I have the word, uh, becoming tattooed on my arm from a few years ago and, and I still, I still love it and I still resonate with it because it’s always reminding me of, of becoming the next version of myself.

But I’ve often always thought of Thought of it as like the infinity symbol of the becoming and remembering because we need both. We, we really have to make sure that we are doing whatever we can to claim both parts of ourselves. And, and sometimes the becoming is in the remembering and, and that gets to be part of it too.

Yes. So beautiful. And so I love the description of what you do because I just feel like it actually nails down, you know, like reclaiming your radiance as well is so powerful because we all have it. We haven’t, we haven’t lost it. It’s just about. appealing back some layers to, to get to where it’s been hidden.

Absolutely. So beautiful. So before we were jumping on, we were talking about, uh, as soon as I asked you how you’re doing, you started sharing, you know, some of the big, big things that have been coming up for you. And I just started laughing. Because I’m like, uh, I’m not laughing because of your pain, I’m laughing because I’ve been going through identical parallels.

And it’s just a relief sometimes to hear when we’re not the only person going through something. So tell, tell us a little bit about, more about what you’ve, what you’ve been going through, what you’ve been noticing coming up, um, what, what has been, what has been coming to the surface for you?

Ali: Yeah, for me particularly at the moment, it is one of like my oldest identities that I’ve had since I was honestly, I think like three years old, which has been that nurturer, that, um, peacemaker, you know, and it started in the family and I feel like at that age, you know, when you’re that young, you almost don’t have a choice subconsciously, you become that because it’s what you need in that family role to play.

You know, be accepted, be loved, take care of the people around you. Um, and we were laughing because it’s no mistake that now that’s also part of my job, right, as being part of a coach. Um, but I feel that part is, is dying in a way. You know, the part that feels like I need to take care of others. Like it’s my responsibility.

And even that part that actually has been feeding my ego, you know, of that, um, this is my purpose, you know, I get meaning from it. Uh, that’s my identity in the world. Like there was almost this part of me of like, look how much trauma I can hold. Look how much other people’s pain I can hold. Doesn’t this make me so great?

You know? Um, and I really feel that that’s been dying. And as you were saying, it’s, it’s interesting when there’s a part of us that is. Wanting to die at the same time life will give you all the opportunities that is very easy to cling on to very easy to go back to. So for me, I’m having a lot of stuff around family at the moment, um, health challenges, you know, people not doing well, and I can feel that little girl within me.

That has just so easily given and given, um, wanting to be that one for them again. Um, and you know, it’s, it’s not a one time thing. I feel like I’ve had this in my life a lot, and there’s been parts that have kind of shifted before and I’ve let go of, and then there are new layers. Um, and I really, I feel that here.

Um, and I feel it also, here related also to my next step with my relationship, which we spoke about as well, which has been really, really interesting. Like as I move into my next stage of marriage, even though we’ve been together for nine years, um, I feel a little bit of my purpose and identity shifting, um, which has been so unexpected.

Emily: Yeah, after that length of time, right? You know, it’s, I’ve, I’ve been in the same position of, of, you know, being with someone for nine years and we didn’t end up getting married. But I think I very much had it in my head too, that if we were going to, that nothing was going to change. Like it’s, yeah, you know, whatever it’s, it’s, it’s essentially just another day we, like we were talking about before as well, that sure there’s, there’s meaning attached to it and, and, and deep, like sacred ritual associated with it and ceremony and all of that.

Yeah. But. It’s also just kind of another day and it’s, it’s not a big deal. Right. But, but then everything comes up to the surface around it. We’re like, Oh, this, this is more than I anticipated.

Ali: Yeah, yeah. So many of those things again that we feel like we healed, we feel like we dealt with is coming back up.

You know, I had one for me that I realized, like, you know, there’s been two, but the first one was, I was having this feeling of like the need to protect my relationship. Um, and this was, you know, a while back now, but I was like, we need to start coaching. We need to start, um, relationship stuff, like this real need to fight for our relationship.

And my partner, who’s like so beautifully says it in simple words, he’s like, Ali, we’re good. What are you fighting for? Like What are you actually fighting for? We’re okay. But I realized because I had seen my parents and all of the stuff that they went through, um, I was like, there’s no effing way I’m going to repeat that pattern.

And so even when things were okay with this marriage and next transition into family in the future, it was, is a protection, but out of fear, out of there’s no way I’m going to repeat that. Um, And so interesting, you know, you see that when you’ve, you’ve had something around you, sometimes you repeat the pattern or other times you try and fight it so strong.

You’d want to do the opposite, but it’s still based around a fear. It’s still pushing towards, um, that kind of unhealthy energy dynamic. Um,

Emily: Yeah, rooted in fear instead of in love, right? I’ve seen that coming up for myself a lot lately too, where I’ve had a lot of fears coming up and, you know, to your, to your point as well about, um, the shifting into marriage and then where that piece is coming from, I totally relate.

I think a lot of people can, I have a lot of clients who do this as well, looking at their parents marriages who didn’t work out, um, and perhaps, you know, fell apart in a very messy way that had to be untangled and, and all of that. And there’s also elements, and I want to get your thoughts on this too, I think of, of trust, like not only self trust, but trusting in the unfolding.

as well. Trusting in the work that we have already done to get us through whatever comes, like trusting in that and and allowing it to unfold but it is so hard to do sometimes. It’s very easy to say and so difficult to do in practice.

Ali: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that’s the thing, right, when we’re not When we’re not connected to the fear of whatever we’ve seen in our past and not connected to, you know, the kind of little girl that we speak about in a child, it is so easy to trust.

You know, if I, if I look at my partner, I feel him, of course, I trust him, like in my body, it feels. And of course, when I’m not activated and triggered, and then if something comes up and I feel an insecurity, I feel, you know, a remembering of something that I’ve seen or something that’s not mine. You know, the body feels that untrust for that moment and it feels really true, you know, so having that, that differentiation between the woman that we are here now, that is trusting, that has lived, you know, through the beautiful relationship with our partners.

Does trust and then nurturing and being aware when it’s that younger version that’s here. And I feel like for me, that’s where the mistrust or distrust is that, um, it’s not the true me here.

Emily: Yeah. And what a beautiful realization to have, you know, that recognition of, of knowing who you are so you can know when it’s another part of you that is coming to the surface.

Ali: Yeah, I mean, literally, Emily, the, the crazy thing is because we are, we are doing coaching and my partner and I before we get married and I love it. I’m so happy that we can do that. I think every partner should, um, but our coach was leading us through this, um, session and she’d come to a part of mine that was experiencing some fear and, and some insecurity.

And then she got me to look at my partner and she said, who do you see? And she was like, don’t say it from a logical place of your mind. Allow your body, allow your, your intuition to come through. And I was like. My dad.

And Emily, I mean, my partner is the safest person ever. He is like, does, you know, just so loving, so beautiful. And yet there it was. And again, I’ve worked on this for, for years and years before. And, but there was a slight thing that was still there. Um, and that was the fear that was coming up and it wasn’t my partner.

It is, again, what I’d seen, um, wild.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, like that’s why the couples work is so powerful. Like my, my partner Kelly and I, uh, love working with couples for that very reason because the realizations that we can have in those moments. And even as, even as someone who is a relationship coach and is in relationship with another relationship coach, we still run into the same things as well.

Like it’s, it’s always going to come up, right? It’s so much easier to see it with other people and coaching other people through it. And sure we’re, we’re okay sometimes, you know, like relatively good at some of the time at coaching ourselves through it. But. There are still those moments where the old makes itself known.

And when a lot of the fears are coming up to the surface too about the future and things changing and things shifting and stuff, a realization that I had just a couple days ago around some fears that were coming up was that I’m, it’s not that I’m, I’m fearing the unknown or the uncertainty of the future.

It’s that I’m fearing the memories of my past being played out again. And, and that I think is the subconscious that it comes up a lot for us where when we’re, when we’re fearing the, the darkness so called of the future, because we’re kind of feeling around in the dark, we can’t, we can’t see anything yet.

It’s are we actually fearing the future or are we fearing repeating the past? And I think that’s what plays out a lot, especially in, in relationship, right? That just, that comes to the surface and makes itself known, but it can make itself known in the form of essentially a temper tantrum or like, you know, uh, uh, um, an expression of jealousy or whatever the thing is, it can make itself known in a way that, that we don’t necessarily tie it to that more subconscious wounding.

And that’s really the key is like, if we can unpack that. Then we have those breakthrough moments like what you described and we’re like, oh, I see this for what it is.

Ali: Yeah, so important. It’s so important because otherwise, you know, obviously we’re going to project it onto our partners, you know, saying they’re not the one who’s making us feel safe.

They’re not doing this rather than realizing it’s a piece of us. It’s a story we’ve lived through. Um, and it doesn’t mean, right, that they don’t acknowledge it and they don’t help us through it, but it’s really owning those parts that are ours.

Emily: Yeah. Yeah. And really, you know, You know, offering so much love and compassion and acceptance to those parts of us too.

Like, I’d love to, to hear more from you about, um, like inner child work and, and embodiment and stuff. I, I love getting into the, these topics so much because this is a lot of, a lot of the root of the work. And I think it’s also a lot about our ability and our capacity to not just hold pain and trauma, like what, what you mentioned earlier, but our capacity to hold joy.

is one of the most vulnerable experiences that we can have. Because we’re, we’re still always looking for things to go wrong. We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We might be hyper vigilant to some degree. Our, our nervous system is not prepared to, to hold. the joy because we assume that it’s short lived too.

I’ve walked clients through this. I, I have struggled and in some, in some areas, I’m still struggling with this myself and, and the vulnerability of holding the joy, like that is also part of the work. We don’t, we don’t just heal our pain for the sake of healing wounds. We heal our pain so that we have more capacity to hold joy.

And that’s, that’s where a lot of the work has to come from. So how do you kind of walk people through this? Where do you start when, when people are coming to you with some of some of the things that, that you and I are talking about that we have to coach ourselves through?

Ali: Yeah. I mean, it’s, it’s a beautiful journey of discovery for me.

And it’s almost like building a puzzle, all of these pieces. Um, I find, you know, a lot of clients come with a present day thing, whether it’s, Um, and insecurity in a relationship or struggles at work, um, or with friendships and you kind of get, get to the, the root of it, but then you also go back and you track through the years.

So I actually get them to literally write from when they were zero until 25 in five year increments and write down the best and worst memory that they had. And so often you will see a strong link, a theme, a pattern that has come up, whether it’s around not being chosen by men, um, having volatile, aggressive men around you, um, you know, only feeling worthy through performing and overachieving.

Um, for me, a huge one was around my body. You know, I was very big when I was growing up, so the feeling of not being attractive was huge and just threads through it all. And now you really begin to often see where the first inner child wound And then you begin to acknowledge that essentially because back then we didn’t have the resources, right?

We weren’t taught this. Most of our parents, bless them, they did the best they could, but they didn’t have the resources to move through that and help us heal when it happened. Essentially, that part of us got stuck in our body. And it’s, it’s really. Often quite easy to notice because in the present day, our reactions feel a lot more exaggerated than the current situation.

And that’s often when, you know, it’s an inner child. It’s like a little version of you that’s coming up. Um, so that’s how you begin to really feel the wounds. And again, you notice that often your day to day environment is triggering them. And then the beautiful part of it, um, Is we then become the resource and the source of our own healing because most of us, myself included, when I had those wounds come up, I would immediately look outside of myself to feel better.

So when I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and, you know, it was around overachieving at that time, I literally was having panic attacks at university. First thing I would do. pick up my boyfriend at the time, ask him to soothe me. When I was experiencing insecurities around my body and it not feeling beautiful enough, thin enough, I would again go outside of me, try and get the perfect body, perfect exercise, et cetera, to try and make it feel better.

Meanwhile, disconnecting, disconnecting more and more, losing the trust in myself that I could be the best. That source. And so what we call reparenting is essentially you becoming the parent that you didn’t have at that time, you becoming that beautiful, nurturing energy, the mother or the father to that little girl or little boy that exists within, um, and for me, that’s some of the deepest healing work that we can do, not only for ourselves, but also, you know, if we’re thinking of families to not pass that on to others.

It’s huge.

Emily: And, you know, even at such, such beautiful points, I love how you laid that out, Ali. And even if we’re not having children, it’s, it’s still what we’re passing on to the people around us and in our relationships and the experiences we’re creating for others as well as ourselves. And, and the fact that when we do this work, we actually do get to welcome in more joy.

I had a moment very recently where my partner said literally nothing to me. Literally nothing. And I snapped for some reason. And I, I, I had felt all of this like turmoil, inner turmoil, kind of the, the previous couple of days. And so he, he went off to the gym and I was like, I’m going to just sit down with my inner child.

And I just sat with my journal out and I was like, okay, baby girl, what, what in the fuck do you need to say? What is it that you are having a tantrum about that we need to talk about? What, what is going on here? And in my experience, sometimes it’s about just the, the mere acknowledgement of what’s going on.

Like, I’ll use the example with, uh, anxiety sometimes. The anxiety, if, if we try to ignore it, it’s like a little kid tugging on your shirt sleeve until, until, because it just wants your attention. And then when you see it, you’re like, oh yeah, hi, anxiety, I see you. It’s like, whew, okay. And it’s chilled out a little bit and sometimes that’s what our inner child needs too because our inner child needs to know that we haven’t forgotten her, that we know she, she exists and that we’re going to take care of her because she may not have felt very taken care of in a variety of ways by a variety of people and she needs to be able to trust, there’s that self trust piece, that we’ve got this, that we’re not going to forget about her again.

Ali: Absolutely. And it, and it is sometimes it’s just those small little check ins where they don’t need a lot. Right. Like you said, it’s the attention. It’s the acknowledgement. Like I hear you. I feel you. It’s okay. And then other times she then needs you as the woman to stand up for her and often speak for her or do actions that she wasn’t able to do back then.

So true.

Emily: Anna.

Ali: You know, I’ve had moments of that and there was a time, I think it was last year, again, around my family and there was this dynamic coming up with my mom that used to be played out so much when I was younger, um, that, that didn’t feel safe for my little girl. Like it just didn’t. But back then I didn’t have the voice to say it.

I was just like, yes, let me take it. And I noticed that triggering come up literally on the beach as we were walking, took myself home, did the same thing you just did. Sit with the inner child. And I was like, Hey. What’s going on? And then the second question was, what do you need from me now? And what I needed was to go back and from the woman place that I am today, say, that is not okay.

That is not something I’m going to accept in the future. And this are our new agreements. And that was so nourishing for her. And again, that trust, right? Of I’m here for you. I’ve got you, you know, you don’t now need that from mama or from other people. You’ve got me. You know, and I love that vision of kind of you walking with your little girl, like hand by hand, you know, moving forward.

Ali: Um, but yeah, those two are so powerful, daily little check ins, just, hey, how you doing acknowledgement and then sometimes the real specific action boundaries speaking up changes that are, that are needed.

Emily: Oh my gosh. It is so true. Yeah. Yeah. That’s so beautifully put. I love that example too. I had to have a conversation with, um, with my, my incredible mom.

I had to have a conversation with her a few years ago when, when I, uh, left the country to move to Bali and, uh, She was having a lot of feels about that, but she, she made a comment where it was, it was putting more of it on me than I was willing or able to take on. And, and I had to have a really firm conversation with her about, you know, creating some boundaries around that.

And she was very open and accepting about it. And I think she learned a lot from it as well. And our relationship got better as a result. That was the thing I had to stand up for me and, and for all the parts of me. in that moment. And, and there is a separation that has to take place in the form of boundaries sometimes to be able to become the grown adult compared to the child.

And, and that I think obviously particularly plays out with parent child dynamics is that we do have to set those boundaries to, um, to welcome in our adult self, but it can be a little painful on, on all sides and, and the embodiment of this, right? It’s easy to talk about this work, but the actual embodiment of it and creating that sense of safety in our bodies, I want to talk to you more about that as well, because, you know, I know you mentioned, you’ve just done so much incredible work with yourself and with women around feeling safe in their bodies and creating that sense of safety.

Obviously standing up for ourselves and, and speaking our truth is part of that, but I’d love for you to speak more to what, what goes into that, what is involved in, in this creating a sense of safety from within.

Ali: Yeah. Um, yeah, it’s been like one of the most challenging and the most beautiful journeys I’d have to say like for myself personally, there used to be a time where I was so disconnected from my body that I wouldn’t trust myself to make any decision.

I was constantly thinking everyone else around me knew what was better for me. than me. I had no connection to, you know, what my body really needed. I mean, honestly, there was a point where I didn’t even have my period for three years because I was just constantly abusing it over exercising. I had bulimia, just all of the things.

So just to say that, because I feel like, you know, it’s, it’s important to acknowledge how deep it can go, but also the possibility of healing that, because now for me, my body is, The safest place that I can be, like when things get too much, my mind gets too loud, coming into my body lies the answer. Um, and that has been a big journey.

Um, for sure. I think a big part of it that often isn’t spoken about is the nervous system work that it requires. Right. When we have been, like you said, experienced certain wounds, experienced certain traumatic events, and that doesn’t have to be huge traumas of, you know, accidents and abuse. It is literally can be one comment at school arguments at home.

Those are stored in our bodies. Our bodies are like a living library. And so if it hasn’t been safe for us to speak up at some stage, like for me, if I had a very big character at home, loud aggression at time, like my voice wasn’t really safe in that place. So my whole nervous system is going to say, no, don’t speak up.

And when our nervous system is saying no, what we experience is a closure. So our whole body, our shoulders, you know, you can see with our posture, everything wants to shut down, including the voice. And so it really takes a rebuilding trust and what we call an expansion of the nervous system so that we begin to feel safe in situations and places that before we didn’t.

And for me, that happens in two ways. Number one is releasing a lot of that, the extra energy that’s been stored there that is old, right? And that does require a one to one coach that can guide you through those practices safely, gently, right? And I want to premise here as well. We don’t need to go into the story, the detailed story to release the energy.

I know a lot in that detail. Yeah. Oh, because some people feel so scared about it. Like, do I have to really live that? Do I and talk about the details, which, you know, is the old therapeutic model that is no longer true, you know, and we’ve experienced that in, in the workshops that we, we went to the retreats.

There’s so much that the body tells us without needing words in the story. And so finding someone that you feel really safe with, number one, safety is key. And then having those practices that essentially begins building the trust in your body that those emotions and those energy that are coming up are safe to come up and out.

And building the resilience and confidence that when they’re there, you know how to nurture them and regulate them. So that’s what we call it’s expanding our window of tolerance of just how much emotion, how much energy can we hold in our body? And then the second is really those day to day practices, right?

Because Stress is part of this life. You know, those situations that feel triggering, they’re going to come up. Having practices that we know regulate our nervous system, make us feel safe in the body is so key. You know, it’s not a one time fix.

Emily: Oh my gosh. What a beautiful explanation. Tell us what some of, what are some of the, the practices that you use with your clients or, and, or with yourself around That nervous system regulation, because I love talking about the nervous system with people because there’s what I what I especially love about it is that there’s so many things we can do for the nervous system and it looks different for everyone.

So I’d love to hear some of your kind of favorites or go to is or most effective practices that you use.

Ali: Yeah, I mean, some of them are the, the super simple ones that everyone knows, but for me are just like part of my day to day, right? So it’s always, I’ll have 10 minutes at least meditating in the morning before doing anything else.

Um, an agreement, a commitment for me is to walk at least half an hour. Yeah, I’m. Blessed to live by the sea. That’s where I choose. So it’s like my breathing space. Um, and so I have daily things, which those two is my non negotiable commitments. My weekly for me is dance. Like that’s just been with me my whole life that connects me back to pleasure.

And that’s a huge thing for the nervous system is really being able to experience pleasure, welcoming that in. Right. Cause again, a lot of the. Sometimes all the tools and techniques can feel like discipline and another like to do list. I’m like, the more pleasure we can bring in while we’re doing this, please let that flow in.

So dance for me is that. And then there are really specific scientific practices, um, that I do. And I do with my clients. Um, you know, a super simple one is literally pressing our fingers together. Like this each finger at the time while breathing and it’s acupuncture points that literally will be changing the energy, reducing, you know, the, any adrenaline in the body, any of that fast pace.

And there’s, I mean, hundreds of those, um, another super simple one lying on the floor without a blanket, without a cushion, any of that, getting that grounded energy, clean it, sink down, um, simple hand on heart, hand on belly. And taking three breaths and just feeling your belly rise and your belly fall, like everyone will have different ones.

Um, but there are so many once we go into it. I mean, I literally have a library of like 200 of these. And the beautiful thing is those ones that are specific, less than three minutes. they take. So, so important for people when they go, I can’t do this. I’ve already got kids. I’ve already got this. Three minutes.

Emily: Everyone has that. Everyone is scrolling on their phone longer than that. A lot longer than that. Oh my gosh. Those are so beautiful. And I really like that you stress not only how little, how little time and effort it takes, but also the pleasure. That is so important because in this. I often sometimes feel as though we’re, we’re kind of living in this kind of bio hacking type of, I don’t know, maybe it’s just like the little Instagram bubble that I live in.

I, but I feel like there’s so much of that and it’s beautiful and I’m all for that. And especially as more research is done and scientific, you know, research and, and, um, practices and all of that stuff. That’s so beautiful. And can we also just do the simple acts that bring us joy? Because I think that will probably expand, also expand simultaneously our capacity to hold joy, which is part of, part of the point of this.

And just the really simple things that we can do to just simply get back into our bodies, as opposed to out of our heads. I can very easily fall into overthinking. All the things when that happens. I love to do something like just having a solo dance party or um, the hand on belly, hand on heart, that is one of my absolute go tos.

Sometimes I actually catch myself sleeping like that now where I’ve gotten so practiced that I’ll actually sleep like that occasionally. But it’s so simple, like we make it to be so complicated and, and calming and regulating our nervous system can be calming and regulating. Really powerful. The other, the other point actually that I’d love to get your take on as well is that there is a lot more talk about nervous system regulation, which is so important.

And I think there’s something to be said for really building the awareness around our nervous system and allowing ourselves to have and to notice whatever experience our nervous system is creating for us because it’s happening for a reason. So nervous system regulation isn’t about shutting down an emotional experience.

It’s about feeling it in, in a, in a way that is perhaps a little bit more effective and, and can feel a little bit better, but even when the crunchy emotions come up, they’re still coming up for a reason. They’re still creating an experience in our body that is there for, for a reason. There’s, there’s purpose in that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

Ali: Yeah. I mean, absolutely. Right. I think, um, a lot of the time for me, nervous system, when it’s activated, usually it’s one of two things. Number one, it’s an old trigger that’s up again, that is inviting you to take a second look at that healing piece.

Emily: Or a three hundredth look.

Yes. Exactly.

Ali: Um, yeah. Um, or the other one is, um, Also can be your intuition, almost your alarm bell, when something isn’t right. And it’s telling you, hey, you need to take a look at this. This isn’t aligned for you. And it’s really trying to keep you safe and keep you connected to your deepest truth. And so this is why for me, it’s so important to do a little bit of that digging a little bit of the releasing of any of the old stuff.

So when our nervous system does come up, we’re very clear of, okay, is this a present thing where it’s trying to allow me to because something’s not right here. Or is it a past thing that needs to be cleared? But you’re absolutely right. I mean, if we think about it, you know, the nervous system was created to protect us from danger, right?

So animals, they, that’s why it’s there to protect them from predators. That’s why it should be there and it should be used for us. The problem is for us, because there’s so much that happened in the past. It’s over sensitive. In the present. So that’s when it starts picking up on so many things. It’s actually safe, but the body is registering it as danger.

Right? They say, you know, back in the day, you would get activated. The nervous system would kick in because there’s a tiger coming at you. Us these days get an email. And our nervous system kicks off in the same way, right. Or our partner doesn’t look at us and he’s on his phone. Tiger’s in the room, right.

And you don’t love me. You don’t trust me. Um, and so that’s where it’s really important, you know, to do that work. Because like you said, it can be a beautiful part of our intuition and inner compass to our life when we’re connected to that. So I love that. Really important to mention that. It’s beautiful.

Emily: Oh, so true. And connecting to the inner wisdom piece, you know, I have so many people that will come and ask me, what’s the difference between intuition and anxiety? And, and it’s really important to be able to recognize what that inner wisdom actually feels like. And to me, the only real way to cultivate that is through cultivating stillness.

And because I always say intuition whispers, it doesn’t yell. If your intuition is yelling, it means that you’ve been ignoring it for so long that it had to yell. And that can sometimes take a, that can take decades sometimes, but we have to create space. to hear the whispers and part of that can also be through some of these nervous system regulation practices so that when it is super activated and we learn to regulate in that moment, um, then we can hear the deeper truth that is, that is trying to come through for us.

The other thing as well, you know, this has been coming up with a lot of my female clients lately is anger and they don’t call it out. I do. I, they’ll, they’ll be, you know, sharing things with me and, and I’ll be hearing what’s underneath the words that they’re saying that can seem, you know, very calm on the surface.

And I’ll pinpoint it and I’ll say to them like, when was the last time you got angry? And very few of them have an answer. Sometimes they’ll tell me years ago, like, they’re like, I don’t know, 2020? Like, okay. We need to have a conversation about this. So I wanted to talk to you about this as well. Because again, like actually in the leadership event that you and I did, we did some anger release practices.

But this is part of the nervous system work too. As much as it’s also about pleasure, it’s, and that is such an important key point that I think often gets missed. It’s also about the things that we don’t want to talk about, like anger. We, we have to kind of get into that piece for the regulation too.

Tell me more about this.

Ali: Yeah, I mean, I think that was probably one of my favorite parts of the movie. Same, same, it was so good. And just smacking the crap out of things. Um, and interestingly enough, I would have never have thought I had that anger or that would have felt good to me. Because I had played that good girl for so long, that nurturing, loving energy, like, that’s so part of who I’d been, it tapped into this like wild, um, fierce part that so needed to be expressed.

Um, and I’d done, you know, anger stuff before, but it’s set up in that way where you’re also being witnessed, you have music, it’s fully, fully in your body and you have someone encouraging you to go deeper and deeper is so powerful. And you are right. Anger is one of the emotions that women have suppressed the most.

You know, it’s unfortunate. It’s the kind of link I find women so easily go to the sadness and the vulnerability. Men often go to the anger. And actually I feel like there’s that switch that’s needed. Women to be fully empowered, to really own all parts of themselves, need to really tap into that anger and men need to allow themselves to be held, to be messy, to be cried.

Um, but there is so much, and this is why we’re talking about the body that is stored there, that can be released. And, you know, I do it on my retreats. We set up, you know, this whole space for all the body to release through anger. And you, again, when you’re doing that practice, you’re releasing the anger for every single time you didn’t release it before.

You know, when you were young and you didn’t feel safe when a man betrayed you, whatever it was, like your body has been storing that and that comes out. And it’s such an important, important emotion to connect to because on the other side of it, again, so many beautiful things. I mean, there’s deep, deep pleasure that comes from that.

Emily: Yes.

Ali: I was just going to say that. Thank you for saying that. Yes. And, and also I was speaking about this with some other women after we did it. There can also be an actual, this sexual energy that comes through. Yes. Like when we were there, right, there was this screaming and stuff, but there was also beautiful music playing and I could see the women, I was wanting to dance, we wanted to move because it’s all connected to that deep root chakra, the hips, the, you know, the thighs.

And we reclaim that power in ourself and it’s not for anyone else, right? It’s not that we’re, we’re feeling that to give it to a man, to give it to be approved. It’s feeling that aliveness and that pleasure through, through the body of. Owning every single part of us and the anger is a powerful, passionate part that stands up for also what we believe in and what we’re connected to.

You know, you also think about some of the most incredible, um, people, activists. Right? And anger is a huge part of what they feel that has led them to their passion. So anger also, you know, pleasure, passion, purpose, all of these things are on the other side of it. Um, so yes. Oh my gosh.

Emily: Yes. Yes. I love all of this.

And, and I tell the women that as well, I’m like, there’s like your innate turn on. is, is found in that as well. That’s not the only way. It’s not the only pathway to it, but it’s a way that you are denying yourself that pathway. And, and to your point, it is, it’s for you. It’s for that sense of aliveness from within.

Sure. You know, your partner or whomever might end up benefiting as a, as a side result, but you’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for you and to expand your emotional, range. And, and we can’t do that when we are denying ourselves that, that, that access to it. My, my father had, um, a temper and he left when I was 15.

And I, I started to turn into, you know, I, I seemed really like happy go lucky, but I could switch on a dime and I, I could go into anger very easily. And I hated myself because of it, because I had always hated his temper. And I thought as a teenager, I thought, Oh my God, I’ve, I’ve inherited this. Like, I can’t get rid of it.

It’s in me. It’s like a gene. And, and this is like a disease. In my mid twenties, I kind of got to the root of it and a lot of it had to do with my anger towards my father. So I kind of dissolved that anger. But then I got into a 9 year relationship where it was not particularly safe for me to express anger.

So I just kept suppressing it, and suppressing it, and suppressing it. And it’s so interesting because in my current relationship, I, I do express anger, because it is safe to do so. And it’s, it’s, you know, I feel so much more alive as a result and my partner feels like he can trust me more because I don’t deny him the experience of my anger.

I don’t pretend that everything is fine if it’s not. He, he is getting access to the, the full part of me, the full parts of me when I am authentic in that expression. And he can hold it, you know, like within reason, it’s not like I’m throwing things. It’s, it’s like a reasonable expression of anger in a healthy way, but it’s, it’s needed and it actually can build trust in relationships when done in this way to more importantly, it builds trust within ourselves.

Because then again, we are allowing ourselves to speak whatever our truth is. We are also reassuring that inner child that we’ve got her, that we’re not going to deny that this anger that she is experiencing. And so often I am one of, I’m one of those women who will often default into sadness. That is totally my default still to this day.

But we, we will regularly hear about, um, there being a lot of sadness and grief underneath anger. And I think that’s absolutely true. What doesn’t get talked about as much is that there’s often anger beneath sadness. If someone defaults more towards sadness, there’s probably anger underneath there. If they default more towards anger, there’s probably grief and sadness under there.

Depends which, which way you’re pulled to, but anger is necessary. We have anger for a reason. We, we don’t have anger in us and, and access to it for no purpose. Like it’s there to, to tell us when a boundary has been crossed, to let us know when we need to speak up for ourselves. It’s, it’s necessary. It’s a requirement and Part of that trust is also learning to trust ourselves to hold it, that it won’t take us over.

Because I think that was also my big fear too, was I worried once I dissolved the anger, I was like, Oh, never again. Like, because I was terrified that I would become an angry person if I allowed myself to tap into the anger. And that simply wasn’t the case at all. But the more we deny something, the more it’s going to take over.

Ali: Such an important piece, such an important piece, and I love that, you know, really recognizing the purpose of anger in a relationship. And, you know, I think obviously we want to premise here, I mean, we know that it’s not an unhealthy anger and it really helps to have a practice and have a way of releasing anger by yourself outside of the relationship.

So it’s not just all there. You know, have them as our punching bag. But like you said, you know, when we don’t show our true anger to something that’s happened, that person also doesn’t get to see the real impact it’s had on us. And that’s also not fair to them, right? If they do something that hurts, um, us and we don’t show that and we kind of hide it and we’re building resentment time and time again, and they do it again, but we don’t fully express it.

It’s not their fault that they haven’t realized the impact because we haven’t shown them. And that’s

Emily: where

Ali: it’s our own responsibility to really be true with that emotion when it’s there so that they have a fair opportunity to heal it and resolve it and repair it with us. Otherwise, not only are we lying to ourselves, but we’re lying to them.

And that’s for me when, you know, years and years later down the line, someone in a relationship brings out the list of the 50 things they’ve done.

Emily: It’s so true. It’s so true. It’s, and it is, you know, there’s, there’s inherent vulnerability and being witnessed in that, you know, like we were at the event too, that was huge.

And to allow, you know, someone that we’re in a relationship with to witness that part of us as well, it allows us to feel truly seen. Because if we always hide that part of ourselves away, we’re actually not going to feel fully seen in the relationship and then we’ll wonder why. Well, that is partly why, because we’re not allowing them to access all the different parts of us for the emotional experience that we’re having, probably because we’re, we’re either, um, you know, we’re also likely scared that they’re going to judge us.

Right? As well as judging ourselves, potentially, whatever else, whatever other stories we have attached to that particular emotion. Like, you know, me fearing it because of my dad. Like, not wanting to, to turn into him. I was judging myself on that level. No one else was judging me for that. It was me. I was judging me.

And then denying myself that experience as a result and denying my, my relationships and experience of that. So important. Oh my gosh. Yeah, the anger is just, it’s just massive. So where, where can people connect with you? I know that your retreat coming up in Barcelona is full, but you already have a wait list started for the next one and tell people all about that. Where can, where can everyone find you? It’ll be in the show notes as well, but I want people to be able to find you and connect with you.

Ali: Yes, um, you can find me over at Instagram, which is aliolivier. coaching, um, also my website alioliviercoaching. com and, um, I’m also sitting with the creation of creating a program, an online program for women, all about reconnecting to their bodies, their pleasure, their safety, um, really their inner radiance.

Um, because it’s just been the, the biggest journey for myself. And I mean, every single client that I work with, even if they come to me with something else, you know, if it’s work, relationship, at some point there comes this pain around their body, whether it’s It’s, they can’t trust their decisions or they don’t feel attractive enough, worthy enough.

So I feel like that’s going to be a really beautiful creation. And doing that together is so important. And it’s like what we said at the beginning, you know, around, we were sharing our experiences, just knowing that we’re not alone is one of the most healing things. And especially women with their bodies because, you know, what we see is the outside version of them, you know, like when people see the outside version of us, it’s social, it’s confident, all of the things.

And it’s very rare that you see the internal worlds of people. And I feel like so many women look at it that way. other women going, Oh my God, they’re so confident. They feel so good in their bodies. It’s just me that adds so much more shame and so much more heaviness to it. So doing that in a group container is really, really powerful.

Emily: I couldn’t agree more. That sounds absolutely incredible. And there is, there is something to be said for a group, my women’s group. There’s a magic to it that is, is just different than like a one to one interaction. Like being seen in that and bonding in that way and knowing that you’re not alone is so potent.

It’s incredible to see the transformation that can come from that. I can’t recommend that people work with you enough. Like I, I just adore you and I think that you are so powerful, so knowledgeable. Um, you’re just like the most beautiful human inside and out. So I have one final question I always wrap up with.

Uh, which is, if you could give people one piece of advice on growing into the best possible version of themselves, what would it be?

Ali: Connecting back to the body. The wisdom of the body. Hands down. All the way. That remembrance. Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh. It’s so beautiful. It’s the source of your wisdom. It’s the source of your safety.

You know, it’s, it’s really the home that we have in this life, um, that we journey with and connecting back to that, then everything outside becomes so much more clearer, so much more aligned, you know, to your truest self, your highest self.

Emily: Oh, speaking straight into my heart, Allie. Thank you so much. What a pleasure.

Thank you. As always.