When it comes to our personal growth and development, many people get caught in a trap of “doing” instead of “being.” Doing is when we learn the things, do the homework, and then force our actions based on doing exactly what we think we’re expected to…even if it feels inauthentic.  

But in order for the work to actually work, we have to embody it. We have to literally BE it. And to do that, we have to lean as hard as possible into our most authentic self.

Today we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between “doing” and “being” and the incredible rewards we attract – relationships, opportunities etc. – that come as a result of the innate magnetic nature of being the truest version of ourselves.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

• The difference between doing and being
• Why so many people struggle with doing instead of being
• How to attract the right relationships and opportunities
• How our energy affects our communication
• Living life to the fullest
• Accepting exactly where you are right now
• Why authenticity is so attractive
• An exercise to pinpoint where you feel most alive

If you want to work with me to get to your point of “being” opposed to “doing” I have private 1-1 coaching spaces available to focus on this very subject. I’ve worked with a number of women lately on unleashing their own authenticity and the breakthroughs have been life-changing. Email me info@emilygoughcoaching.com or DM me on Instagram here and I’d love to get started!

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REFERENCES

Episode 339 | How To Become Wildly Magnetic

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TRANSCRIPT

Can you accept who you are exactly the way you are without changing a thing right now? And allow that to shine through because that is part of being. And when we show up in a way that is being instead of doing, because we are human beings, not human doings. It’s incredible how people and opportunities begin to be drawn to you in a whole new way, because it is fucking magnetic.

I’m Emily Gough, a human connection coach, writer, and speaker with an insatiable sense of curiosity and adventure. Always asking more questions and using the power of stories to teach, learn, and grow. We boldly explore relationships, connection, and the nuances and complexities of the human experience with compassion, honesty, and a sense of humor.

With both solo episodes and highly curated guests sharing incredible stories, experiences, and expertise, the room to grow podcast takes the entire idea of growth to the next level. All while covering the uncomfortable topics many of us would like to avoid. There’s always more room to grow. Let’s do this.

Hey there, welcome back to the room to grow podcast. Emily here. And today I want to talk about something that’s been coming up with so many of my clients lately. And it’s this idea of the being versus the doing. And first of all, I, I, I don’t do this very often, rarely ever actually, but I need to brag on my clients for a quick second.

My clients right now are absolutely crushing it. Like just, they have grown so much over the last few months. And, and it’s a combination of some of the women in my women’s group and then my private clients and, and even some of like the, the couple’s clients that I’m working with, the, with my partner, I am just blown away at the, the growth and more importantly, the embodiment of the growth that I am seeing in these women.

It is unreal. It is just amazing and you know, there’s, there’s one, one client, um, couple of clients actually that I’m thinking of in particular where when they came to me, they’re all about the doing. And that’s very common actually with a lot of the clients who come to me. It’s, it’s all about the doing and the outward and yes, like doing all the homework and doing all the things and like they are get shit done people.

And I am, I am here for that because I am also that person. I’m like, fuck yes, let’s, let’s do all the things. I love it. And there’s a big difference between doing, being. And when we are being, it allows us to, to soften a little bit more and to trust and to relax a little bit. And that doesn’t mean that, you know, we don’t have to do all the adulting things.

And I also want to be really clear here that You know, for years, I’ve been hearing in the sort of like relational and kind of polarity type of space, like the, the surrender of the feminine and, and all of these things. And I, and it’s just made me want to throw up. I’m like, really, just stop it. Because it didn’t, it didn’t make sense to me.

And I’m not talking about it in quite those terms, but there is a difference between Um, talking a big game and actually walking your talk. And the difference is the true embodiment of the growth. Because we, we can know things on a, on a very logical and intellectual level. We can know things, we can like have certain tools, um, let’s say even around like communication as an example.

We, we can know the right things to say. Right, so called right things to say and, and learn those communication tools and everything else. But the way that I have always taught communication is that a key ingredient, one of the biggest keys of ingredients that gets left out of the conversation when it comes to teaching communication is that energy is everything.

Energy is everything. Everything. I can hand you every sentence under the sun that, uh, is, you know, so called the, the correct way to speak to someone, especially, you know, in, in conflict or harder conversations or relationally or any of those things. And that’s great. And those are useful. Like, I’m not negating that because I do still use that with clients as well.

I use that in my own life. Like there are certain, certain tools that are very tangible that I use that are extremely beneficial. Thank you. You’re welcome. When it comes to navigating relationships and you can say the thing, but if the energy behind it doesn’t match, the other person is going to feel that and then it won’t matter what words you say.

It will matter. The energy that landed when it was delivered. And my partner and I have even, have even run into this before. And we actually have an agreement around, you know, sometimes, sometimes, uh, the words and the energy don’t match quite yet. Wait for it. Because there can be this little like tiny little catch up period where the energy is lagging by like sometimes even just a few seconds.

Where, where we, We have come to the realization or the conclusion or the breakthrough or whatever that we need to that is actually really useful for us, but we’re still kind of in the energy of, you know, kind of like sadness or frustration or, or anything like that that can be coming up. So the energy almost hasn’t quite caught up yet.

Like it’s, it’s still, it’s still getting there. And I can say the exact same thing to my partner when my energy hasn’t quite caught up yet and it won’t land well. And I can say the identical thing to him. That’s why we have this agreement in place, because this has happened to us several times on both sides.

I can say the identical thing to him. Once the energy has caught up, sometimes even just a few seconds, a couple moments later, and it lands completely differently, and he can actually receive it. Because it feels true. It feels genuine because it is a being at that point. It’s no longer about saying, saying a certain thing to placate someone or saying something because you think it’s the so called right thing to say.

It’s because it’s actually true for you in your body and nervous system at that point. It’s no longer just intellectualized. It is felt on a cellular level. It is felt. By you, within you, and to the person on the receiving end. That is true embodiment. And this requires a lot of work. That’s why I think it’s so important when teaching this type of work and, and teaching relational skills and, and doing the healing work and tending to our wounds and, uh, all of these things, communication, everything.

The work doesn’t work. If you aren’t actually embodying it, and I see a lot of people who are running around out there, and I was one of them years ago, I was one of them as well, who, you know, I had, I had some tools and like I had the things and I knew things, I knew things, I was very like brainiac, you know, like intellectualizing all the things, but a lot of those tools weren’t working as well as I thought that they were, because I I was not fully embodying it on every level.

I did an episode, uh, last year, I think I’ll I’ll reference it in the show notes about, um, how to become wildly magnetic. And it’s been really well received. And, and, and one of the, the things that I talk about in that episode is the fact that when we approach someone, and this can be someone we know in real life, it can even be someone online, you know, like somebody that you follow or something like that.

We can tell. If we make enough space to hear it, but sometimes we don’t even need to, it’s so obvious, we can tell when someone is genuine and it makes them more magnetic. And what makes someone genuine is the fact that their actions match their words, that there is consistency, that there is an alignment, a congruence from within.

that we can feel on an energetic level. That is true embodiment. That is true embodiment. And yes, of course, there are going to be people who, you know, there’s always going to be exceptions when we’re painting broad statements like this in terms of, you know, maybe someone just has their, their marketing, like really nailed down, but they’re actually out of integrity in real life.

Sure. Of course, like we’re always going to be able to find exceptions to everything. But overall, the people who are most magnetic are the people who are. authentically themselves. They don’t try to be someone else. They don’t try to placate other people. They, they allow their true selves to show through and they let the chips fall.

This is also tied into a concept that my coauthor, uh, Jade Tita and I break down in, in our book, You Grow Me. And it’s called confident detachment. That’s, that’s what we call, you know, this, this idea, which is showing up exactly as you are. In relationships, especially romantic relationships, but this can be applied to anything, showing up exactly as you are and not trying to be anyone else, not trying to, you know, pretend that everything’s fine when it’s not or whatever, like say the fucking thing.

Say the thing that you need to say, show yourself, allow yourself to be seen, allow yourself to be received. And then you let the chips fall. And if we’re speaking about this in a romantic sense, like you let someone know genuinely and only if it’s genuine, you know, your appreciation for them, how much you value them, if you’re interested in them.

Like, if you’re into them, tell them, stop fucking hiding it. What are you so afraid of? Because to me, it’s far worse to, to get to the, the end of your life and wonder, Oh, what if I had actually told that person I was into them? Right? That, that’s how I try, not always successfully, but I try to view life is, is living it to, to the fullest that I can so that I don’t have to live with the what ifs.

And confident detachment is this idea of showing up exactly as you are. Being true to yourself, being, you know, congruent within yourself in full alignment, and letting the chips fall, seeing who, who then wants to stick around. It’s actually the perfect vetting strategy. And we break down the entire concept of confident attachment in the book.

Um, and we have a full recipe in there about how to show up in a confidently detached way. We go into like standards, boundaries, um, you know, consistency, mutual reciprocity, um, the, the detachment piece, which is the hardest part of confident detachment without and, and all of this is showing up exactly as you are without being attached to the outcome.

And that is really important because that is also part of being as opposed to doing. It is accepting yourself for exactly who you are right now. It doesn’t mean that you don’t still want to, um, improve aspects of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you don’t still want to grow and expand and do different things and all that.

That’s fine. I love that for you. We all want that. If we’re not growing, we’re dying, right? And can you, can you accept who you are exactly the way you are without changing a thing right now? and allow that to shine through because that is part of being. That is part of being. And when we show up in a way that is being instead of doing, because we are human beings, not human doings, it’s incredible how people and opportunities begin to be drawn to you in a whole new way, because it is fucking magnetic.

It is magnetic, and it seems like it’s subtle. The results of this are massive and life changing, and once you experience it, you can’t go back to anything else. It’s like your internal system just won’t allow you to go back to anything else. It becomes intolerable to become anything less than exactly who you are.

The other key piece of this, this, this being is there’s a common theme that I’ve been noticing in my women’s group. I asked them to share a memory of when they felt most alive. And almost every single woman in the group shared a memory of a moment that they experienced following a major breakup. And Why I thought that was so fascinating, including me, by the way, like four or five years, five years ago, five years ago, there was a memory that I had of one of the times where I have felt most alive.

I think I shared two and one of them was five years ago and it was following a major breakup. And. To me, what that indicates is this, this diminishing of our, ourselves for the sake of a relationship where we, we play small, we, um, do whatever needs to be done in our, in our minds, you know, whatever we assume needs to be done to placate the other person, uh, for the sake of keeping the relationship together.

We dim who we are, we dim aspects of our being in order to make the other person more comfortable. Which, first of all, that other person was drawn to you in the first place because of your very aliveness. So as soon as you start to dim that part of you, not only do you disconnect from yourself, but ironically, the very thing that you’re trying to do to, uh, keep the relationship together is actually probably the thing that will be the biggest betrayal, not only to yourself, but also to the relationship that will actually start to pull it apart.

This is why this is so important. And yes, sometimes our being, our sense of aliveness, is going to drive people away. And that’s fine because they’re not the right fit for you. Do you really want to live life from a place of playing small and, and feeling less alive? I, I don’t know anyone who actually wants that.

If you do, cool. You do you. But I don’t know anyone who, who actually really, truly wants that. We want to feel our most alive. And again, it’s like once you’ve had a taste of it, you, you will continue to seek out that feeling. And I hope that you allow yourself to continue to seek out that feeling because part of that is going to mean that you are living into your most genuine, authentic self.

And rather than diminishing yourself for the sake of a relationship, can you call that forth now? Can you call forth that sense of aliveness now? What are some of the ways that you feel most alive? What are some of the things that, that you, that you do experience, see, smell, taste, whatever it is where you feel most alive?

Who, who is surrounding you when you feel most alive? And if you aren’t familiar yet with that feeling, if it, because I’ve asked people that question before where they actually didn’t have an answer there, there have been some people who, who didn’t actually think that they had ever felt that, that sense of aliveness, that spark from within that I was talking about.

And if you haven’t go seek it. And what, what does that mean? Like, where do you start? Start with anything. What, what lights you up with joy? Start there and follow that, follow those breadcrumbs until you start to cultivate that sense of aliveness and it will be felt by everyone around you. That, that radiance, that joy from within, that, that inner light that you, you just can’t hide.

It doesn’t even matter, you know, what, if you’re wearing like a baseball cap and sunglasses, people can still feel it radiating from you. Because it’s magnetic. And more than that, when you feel that way, you want to be around you more. You’re like, fuck yeah, I’m the shit. I’m loving life right now. You feel so comfortable within your own skin that you are, you’re solid in a way that you haven’t been before.

And that can actually allow you to soften. And to expand and to trust and to open these are the feelings that we should be chasing because when we chase this, when we chase things like the type of growth and aliveness that will have us being from every every cell in our body as opposed to doing. Life gets a whole lot juicier.

I can tell you that much. So sit with this and please chase your aliveness, whatever that looks like for you. And if you want some help getting to the, the being as opposed to the doing, let me know, talk to me, let’s have a conversation. Um, I do have spaces available right now to work with people privately one on one and as well, my women’s group is opening up for the next round, uh, starting May 1st, 2024.

And. This group has been powerful beyond measure. Um, every woman in that group has said, I, I can’t wait to share some of their testimonials. Every woman in that group has just been blown away by the bonding that has taken place, the community, um, the, the inner work that utterly transformed some of these women.

I’m not kidding you when I tell you that that some of their faces have have changed. Their entire energy has shifted. Some of them have shed literally decades of of things that were holding them back and this and by the way I didn’t market it like that because I had no idea that this group was going to create this kind of transformation.

It was the first time that I had run this particular group and it was I am, I am flabbergasted. I am flabbergasted at the results. It has been just Just unreal. Absolutely unreal. I, I’m, I’m literally almost speechless about it. Um, so I’m excited to share some of these women with you and, and to share some of their testimonials, um, as we start to wrap up the 12 weeks and I am just so excited about it.

So if you want more information, let me know. I will have some details in the show notes as well. Um, and as well, if you want to work with me privately, I love, love, love getting to work with people. And my private coaching container is just one on one because we get to go so deep. So deep. And I have a couple clients who are just finishing with me for finishing our six months together.

And again, like dramatic transformations. Absolutely dramatic. Just so cool to see. It’s, it’s amazing. So. Let me know if you want more information, send me, send me your info, uh, you can reach me over at emilygoughcoach on Instagram. Shoot me an email at info at emilygoughcoaching.com. Um, yeah, all the info is in the show notes and I can’t wait to talk.

So have a great day. Talk to you soon.

Thank you so much for listening. If you want more, one of the most common questions I get is where do I even start doing this work to create deeper connections and better relationships? I’ve got a free 15 page guide for you called Where Do We Begin? This is the very foundation that you need to start building healthy relationships with others.

And with yourself, this is my gift to you. And multiple people have referred to it as life changing. You can find it over at room to grow podcast. com or check the show notes to go download it and have it sent straight to your inbox. Thanks so much. And stay tuned for more episodes weekly.