Be Unreasonable In Fighting For The Life You Want

January 15, 2024

It’s time to start fighting unreasonably hard for the life you want. I want this first episode of the New Year to remind you that waiting for things to feel easier, clearer and less scary are preventing you from taking the first messy, but critical steps in the right direction. 

Even if you don’t have the end figured out, sitting around hoping everything will eventually manifest itself isn’t doing anything.

I’m also sharing a couple new announcements for the Room To Grow™ podcast, news about my forthcoming book, and my 2024 Words of the Year – an annual practice that helps me stay undeniably committed to a particular goal, while helping make those big, hard decisions much easier. Try it for yourself!

In this episode, we’re talking about:

  • Why trying to manifest everything won’t work
  • Redefining the stories we tell ourselves
  • Taking action, even without the full plan in place
  • Fearing the unknown and searching for safety
  • How to manage fear and uncertainty
  • How to avoid self-judgment
  • Why we fear our own success
  • How to build trust in ourselves
  • An exercise for centering yourself and shifting your energy in the moment

I say this every year, but this podcast is one of my favourite things I do as a Human Connection Coach. I absolutely love hearing from you on how these topics show up in your life and am always open to talking more about these and other topics you want to hear more about. Please email me or DM me on Instagram anytime!


COUPLES COACHING with Emily & Kelly Gardner (apply here)

WOMEN’S GROUP (starts Jan 25, 2024): “Grown Ass Woman Era” apply here

Book A Private Coaching Call With Emily To Work Together

Get Your FREE Guide “The Four Tools Missing From Your Relationship” here

Join Emily’s email list here

DM on Instagram: @emilygoughcoach



Episode 351 | Answering The Call Of What Life Is Asking Of You: Lessons & Reflections For A New Year

Episode 195 | The Crushing Fears Of Both Failure & Success


Hey there. Welcome back to the room to grow podcast. Emily here. And this is the first episode of 2024. And I usually do something a little bit related to the new year. And I’ve got, I’ve got something here that I think that we all maybe need a reminder of because I certainly did as well. And I am reminding myself of this on a daily basis this year, be unreasonable in fighting for the life that you want, be unreasonable in fighting for the life that you want, because. How has easy going been going for you when, when we’re just, you know, sitting back and letting life happen and yes, there is, there is flow, there is welcoming and abundance, all of those, all of those things receiving, right? I am all for that. And that is part of this equation too. But just sitting around hoping for everything to magically manifest on your front door is not the vibe either. That’s, that’s not the thing. So be fucking unreasonable in fighting for the life that you want. This is, this is something that I have been focusing on a lot because this year there, there’s a new fire lit under my ass this year. And, and not just in the like new year, new you vibe. Like I’m always very clear. That is not what I’m about. That is not what this episode is going to be. Nothing along those lines. It’s not how I roll. You are enough exactly as you are like truly we all are. Okay. So your worth is innate. You are enough. If you want to spend this year just in full ease, then fight for that. Be unreasonable in fighting for, for your ease. Okay, try this on for however it best fits for you. There is a, there is an exercise I did maybe a year ago that you might find helpful as well. I created a list of my reasons and, and what I, what I. Hmm, kind of like fight for in the best possible ways. What is my sense of purpose? What, what drives me to get up in the morning and to do the work that I do to, to show up in every sense of the word. And the reason why I made the list was to push past fear. It was like, okay, am I going to get let, you know, a fear of sort of being judged, get in the way of these other really, really big things that I am fighting for. So just to give you some examples of, of some of my reasons on that list, I keep it pinned in my notes app so that I can go back and reference it often. Some of my reasons are that I fight for my freedom. Financial, emotional, physical, geographical. I fight to show up as the best possible version of myself and to fulfill my highest potential. I fight for my family. I fight for my partner and for our relationship to, to be the best version of myself for me, for him. And for us to co create our life together. I fight for love. I fight for humans everywhere to experience healing, joy, fulfillment, acceptance, belonging, and healthy, happy relationships, including, and especially the one with themselves. I fight to open hearts that have been bruised and broken because I know that that feeling so deeply and so intimately. I fight for those who believe in me and who have poured into me for years, sometimes years. Those those are my reasons. And those are big reasons for me. Um, you will have your own, whatever, whatever that feels like for you. But there’s, there’s a lot that has shifted, um, over the past few years, the last, the last year in particular. And there’s, there’s a couple of things, there’s, there’s a couple of housekeeping things I want to go over with you super quick. So first of all, what to expect on the room to grow podcasts this year and kind of the, the ways that, that we can also connect more deeply as well. So first of all, I’m coming back to weekly podcasts consistently. Um, I’ve been doing, I’ve been podcasting since 2017. I have, I’m one of the OGs, I’ve been in this for a long time and I’ve been doing this podcast since 2018 and I’ve always been really, really consistent with the podcast. The podcast is by far the most consistent thing that I’ve, I’ve ever done and I’ve always been really, really hyper clear on that. And in the last couple of years I started to get tired. I started to get run down. Um, it’s, you know, there have been times where it’s been a lot and I haven’t been quite as consistent, still very consistent, but not quite as much, especially the past year. And the past year in 2023, I fell in love. I, I like did all these other things. I was distracted. Okay. I was definitely distracted in 2023. And we back. I, um, I am so excited and lit on fire to. Make this podcast even, even more amazing because I, my podcast is, is one of my favorite things that I do in my business other than actually coaching humans, which is like legit my favorite thing ever. The podcast is a very close second. I love getting to do this podcast. I love getting to hear your stories and, and the ways that, that the podcast may be touched your heart in some way. It just means the absolute world to me. So this is, this is so exciting to me and I’m really, really pumped to get back to doing this weekly consistently. The other thing is sending out emails. So, I have been notoriously terrible over the years for sending out regular emails. I am really, really clear this year that I want to do more of that to be able to connect with you in that way. So, if you are not already on my email list, The information to do so is in my show notes. I’ll also send you a little gift in there as well. If you sign up, I’ve got like a 15 page guide on building healthy relationships. Super powerful. You can definitely check that out. And then you will also get emails from me. Something else that is being added to the Room to Grow podcast. You are going to be listening in on real life coaching sessions recorded and aired here on the podcast. And it is for individuals. And for couples. So if you would like to apply, there’s two different application forms. One is if you’re an individual. The other one is if you want to be coached as a couple by me and my partner, Kelly Gardner. So we coach you as a couple, and then that will be aired on the podcast as well. And listen, this, this is, this requires vulnerability and bravery. Okay. This is, this is like, this is big. And it’s interesting because people have been suggesting to me that I record some of my sessions and air them on the podcast for years. And I’ve never done it because I honestly didn’t, I told myself the story that no one would want to because the work that I do is so, so deep and so, so vulnerable. I was like, nobody’s going to want to do that and have it aired publicly. Uh, I, I put out an application form and have been overwhelmed at the response. So I’m like, okay, this is clearly something that people are interested in. This is cool. So we’re going to be sprinkling those in the podcast is not turning into nothing but coaching sessions at all, but is going to be sprinkled in here and there. And I’m just excited to, to get to offer this. So if you have. any interest at all in applying. Do not talk yourself out of it. Do not tell yourself some story about, um, you know, why, why it’s, uh, you know, over the top, too scary, like that, or maybe that you don’t feel you have enough of a story or whatever it is. Just stop that right there. Okay. Again, it’s not the vibe for 2024. Be unreasonable and fighting for the life that you want is if there is something that you want to work on, own it, own it and fight for it. Okay, and this is one of the ways that you can do so, one of many ways that you can do so. So feel free to apply. Either you and your partner can apply, um, for relationship coaching by me and Kelly, or you can apply as an individual. There’s two different, uh, yeah, there’s both, both application forms, depending on which one you are opting for are in the show notes. And Just apply and I’ll reach out to you and we will see if it’s a good fit. Okay. Um, the other thing is, so ways to work with me, uh, at the moment there are three main ways to work with me this year. First up is private coaching and mentorship. Um, we work together privately one on one if we’re a set period of time. Um, super, super powerful, potent work like the clients who come out of this are not the same clients who enter into it with me. Like in the best possible ways, like they just, I watched them expand and go through this beautiful metamorphosis. It’s incredible to see what the change that in transformation that takes place. Um, and I give them so much credit for doing such incredible work. Second way is couples coaching again with my partner, Kelly, Kelly Gardner. We are now coaching couples as a couple and the work is incredible. It is like just watching the love bloom between these couples is. Um, just, I, I can’t even put words to how, how fantastic it is to see these transformations, these transformations taking place. Um, super, super powerful. You walk away with all kinds of tools to better your relationship. Um, you walk away feeling so much more deeply connected with such a better understanding of yourself and of your partner, um, communication tools, ways to argue better. Um, it, it’s incredible. So definitely go check that out. Again, information is in show notes and my brand new women’s group coaching program called Grown Ass Woman Era starts January 25th. Um, it’s, this is huge. This program, I, I have felt it coming for a long time and I kept putting it off because it scared the shit out of me because it’s so powerful. It’s, I was like, Oh my God, this is really, I’m, I really, this is what wants to come through. This is what wants to come through and we’re fucking ready. Okay. We are ready. So it’s going to be a super curated group. Um, again, I will jump on the phone with you to have a conversation with you. Um, I want to make sure that, that it is the right fit for you. All of these things, it’s going to be an incredibly intimate container and you are going to walk out of, of. I’m going to walk out of that three months, it’s 12 weeks long, you’re going to walk out of that three months with just super powerful connections to the other women in the group, you’re going to walk out with a better understanding of yourself, you’re going to walk out feeling like you, like you are ready to take on the world and to show yourself fully, to allow yourself to be seen, to, to just be it. Be more alive. That is really at the root of it. It’s the best way I can think to describe it is capturing your aliveness and allowing it to come through. So super, super excited about that. And I also have a brand new book on relationships called You Grow Me, launching with my co author in February. So more on that to come, uh, more on all the things and you can access all the details about all the things in the show notes. Okay. Here are a couple things that I want to focus on for, for this one. If you have ever done a word of the year or, you know, a couple words of the year, I, I know that that’s kind of become popularized on social media, but I really like it. I’ve been doing it for years now and it’s incredible when I see what, whenever I get to the end of the year and then I, I sort of compare notes on what transpired in the year compared to what my words were in relation to the, the word or words that I had for the year. I’m always kind of blown away. Like, so let me give you some, some examples. So last year in 2023, my words were love, receiving, and abundance. I did not share those words publicly. Uh, I often do share that my word or words, uh, publicly at the beginning of the year. I did not share those, um, because it felt too vulnerable. It, it felt really, oh gosh, it just felt really vulnerable for me to admit. To myself and to the world that I wanted and was ready for love, which I realize sounds absurd, uh, from someone who coaches about love. It’s part of the reason why I knew that was my work. And it was, so not only did I fall in love with, with my, uh, my incredible partner, um, I also had to undergo a lot of lessons around receiving. Allowing myself to receive and the vulnerability of that abundance, not only welcoming in abundance, but recognizing the beautiful abundance that was already around me. It was incredibly powerful. I would argue last year was probably one of the most potent years of my life. I feel like I learned and grew more in 2023 than I had in the previous three years. And that is seriously saying something, like truly saying something, because I, I have been growing at such an exponential rate for the last five years that It has often felt like I was utterly exhausted and I didn’t even know how to go on. I’m like, I can’t, my body literally can’t handle in my mind. I was like, I can’t even handle growing at this rapid rate. Um, so to say that, that I grew more in 2023 than I have in any other year is significant. So. In 2022, my words were powerful and thriving. Um, that was really incredible. You know, I, I got to really step into my power and in a new way and to learn how to thrive, even though a lot of the more external factors in my life hadn’t really changed. And just recognizing that was a really big deal. 2021 was trust and surrender. So is 2020. 2020 was trust and surrender and had no idea what I was calling in with that one. And then 2021, I kept the words trust and surrender because I felt I had so much more to do in both of those areas. And. 2021 was the darkest year of my life, like I, I cried, I think every single day for the entire year. Um, it was, it was a lot, it was, it was really heavy. And 2019, um, the year before that, that was the first year I started doing this exercise was growth. And I had just ended a nine year relationship and wow, that, that was a big year. That was a big year. I grew exponentially that year as well, um, in ways that, you know, I both cried, cried more often, I think, and laughed harder than I ever had. It was, it was, it was a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but in a good way. But when you are perhaps considering Um, the word that you want to come up with for this year or, or words, it doesn’t just have to be one. What I want you to think about, so, oh, so I didn’t even share my words for this year. My words for this year are devotion and embodiment. And those are a little edgy for me. Like that, if you told me a few years ago that my, my words are going to be devotion and embodiment, I’d be like, but it’s, for me, it’s about being in devotion to you. Um, everything from my business, the people I serve, um, the way that I show up in the world, my partner, you know, my, my various friendships, relationships, it’s being in devotion to my health and the way that I take care of myself. It’s, it’s being, it’s showing up with an open heart over and over and over again. And embodiment for me is about really becoming everything that I think that I am and everything that I want to be. Really make sure, making sure that I’m actually embodying everything that I say I want in the world to like, how can I become that version of me so that I’m not just, um, I, I’m not, I’m not just feeling like it’s out there somewhere. I am it right. Actually becoming it. And. These, when you come up with a word for a year, the words for the year, I tend to think of it as you’re making a commitment to yourself. And that can also actually make decision making in some ways really easy because when you’re thinking about it, it’s a question that I come back to constantly every year and multiple times, sometimes multiple times in a day, I’ll be like, does this thing that I’m about to do. Align with the commitment that I’ve made my, to myself about, in this case, devotion or embodiment. Um, and, and asking yourself if it is in alignment with that. If it is, great. If it’s not, we might need to reconsider, you know, what does that, what does that look like? And how can you be flexible in the ways that you, that you approach your, your word of the year, while also maintaining the commitment that you want to hold, hold yourself to. It’s really powerful and. And it’s time to update how you define yourself. It’s time to update how you define yourself. Sometimes part of, you know, again, like, and you can do this at any time. This does not have to be a beginning of the year thing. It does not have to be a Monday thing, beginning of the month, whatever. You can sit down and do this at literally any time. Take a closer look at how you are defining yourself. The stories that you’re telling yourself, unpacking those things and, and the stories that you not only tell yourself, but the stories you tell about yourself, catching ourselves in how we talk about ourselves to others, catching ourselves in how we talk to ourselves internally. Where are those stories holding you back? You know, are you, are you telling yourself stories that, Oh, I’m, I’m, uh, really bad at, um, I’m really bad at deadlifts. I, I, that’s just the first example that came to mind because I’m going to the gym after this. And if you are, okay, you know, if you don’t want to do anything about that, cool, that’s fine. You can just continue to be bad at deadlifts. That’s, that’s totally fine. Also, are you actually bad at deadlifts? Like are you really? And have you tried it? And are you, maybe this, maybe this is a powerful time to allow yourself to be a beginner. And you know, being a beginner sucks sometimes, seriously. Like being a beginner is not a great time. It’s like, Oh, I’m so shitty at this thing. I have to keep doing it over and over again to get better. And there’s, there’s other people I’m looking around to who are actually really good at this. Why can’t I be at that level? Well, you can be. And sure, some things come more naturally to, to some people than others, but just about everything most people have to work at. Most people did not just like wake up one day and like magically have this, this skill. No, it has been honed over time and only because they have, if, if you decided that you were terrible deadlifts, but you want to get better at deadlifts, but you continue to buy into the story that you’re bad at deadlifts, so you therefore never really do anything about it. You, you never learn anything about it. Are you ever going to be good at deadlifts? No, right? It’s not, it’s not going to happen. So we have to redefine the ways that we are. That we are telling ourselves certain stories and redefine the way that we define ourselves. Like the energy for this year, stop waiting, stop waiting. Take bold action. Be fucking courageous. Don’t stick around waiting for life to happen to you. Go out there and be unreasonable in the way that you show up for yourself and going after what you want. Start making moves, like even if it feels like the, the plan isn’t clear or it would be easier to stay stuck in the planning stage. Of course it would be easier to stay stuck in the planning stage because it’s so much harder to go out there and do the thing. But you have everything that you need within you already. You have everything that you need, I promise you, and what you don’t have, you will gain along the way. And you’ll gain a lot faster and more easily by actually doing the thing. We can think ourselves, like, all over the place. That, that’s fine, but that’s still not actually doing what it is that you want to do. And this can bring up a lot of fear, right? Because we, we don’t always trust ourselves to handle what’s going to happen in the future. There’s a lot of uncertainty with that, especially if we can tell that there’s really big things that, that we want to do this year and we can’t control the outcomes because we never can. Right. It’s a beautiful and, and terrifying part of life. How do we manage that uncertainty instead? Like this is where things like over, overthinking can come up. Um, we can get really attached to an outcome. There’s all this uncertainty that can, that can start coming up around the future. This comes up in relationships too, right? It boils down to fear of the unknown and our bodies and nervous systems are constantly searching for safety. The unknown and, and the uncertainty, it feels really deeply unsafe because we can’t see what’s coming. We can’t, we can’t predict it, but the thing is we can’t ultimately predict life anyway. We think that we can, and absolutely we need to create certain levels of safety to be able to function in the world, right? To be able to, to operate at a high level, we need to create some forms of safety, 100 percent And, at the end of the day, when we peel back those layers Things are still uncertain. So how do we manage it? How do we manage it? Right? To me, that first starts with acceptance and an acknowledgement that the discomfort and fear that you’re feeling is normal. It’s human. That’s totally human. Of course, uncertainty is going to bring that up and don’t, don’t feel uncertainty and then, you know, start overthinking or whatever, and then judge the shit out of yourself for overthinking and being uncertain. It’s okay to have those, those emotions come up. And to acknowledge the fear that can be under that. Like, ultimately, when those, when I, when I am experiencing them, which I have a lot in the last, uh, in the last few months, and even going into this year, right at the very end of, of, uh, this past year, I had a lot of fear coming up, because I can just sense that there’s going to be a lot of really big changes this year. And, Um, I think that ultimately they’re actually all going to be really positive, but there’s still an enormous amount of unknowns attached to them. And yeah, it scares the shit out of me. And it was kind of, I was allowing it to cripple me a little bit. I’m like, how do I, how do I work through this? Right? Like, how do I, how do I work through this? And part of it was that I was judging myself. I was judging myself for allowing the fear to come through. And I’m like, wait, wait, what, what, what are you doing? Just acknowledge the fear. And just accept that it’s there and be like, Hey, I see you, right? And, and sometimes when there’s these unknowns, you know, a lot of times we can talk about things like being afraid of success and being afraid of failure. They’re actually both kind of the same. And I have argued both by the way, I’ve been doing entire podcast episodes in the past about arguing that, you know, that you’re afraid of success or you’re afraid of failure or whatever. Both are kind of the same thing because ultimately it’s about being afraid of the unknown and not trusting yourself to handle whatever might come up. We’re seeking safety in those moments, right? Like the nervous system is seeking out the familiar because it’s comfortable and feel safe. So the unknown feels really fucking terrifying. And the only way to build the trust within yourself is to make a move. And then you teach yourself that you can handle it because you can, you can handle it again. You already have everything that you need within you. You have everything that you need. I was speaking to a client the other day about controlling your reaction versus controlling the circumstances. And the example that I gave her was, let’s imagine you’re sitting in traffic, you’re stuck in traffic, it’s taking forever, you’re not moving, it’s not a great time, right? So these are the circumstances, can’t control the circumstances. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t get out of this. You’re stuck where you are. You can’t move right now. You can sit there and, you know, sit there pissed off and steaming for 45 minutes or you can use the time to call a friend to catch up. You can turn on podcast. You can put on your favorite playlist and have a solo dance party and arrive at your destination all pumped up. You have choices in how you manage your energy. You’re not a victim to your circumstances. You always have choices. And you can also learn how to change your energy more quickly too. So, some, an example of, of, here’s, here’s a super quick practice that you can use that can just help to ground you in any, in any situation. There’s two of them actually. One is what’s called the four, seven, eight breath. It’s one of my absolute favorites. So you breathe in for four, you hold for seven, and then you exhale nice and slow for eight, four, seven, eight, inhale for four, hold for seven. Exhale for eight. Do several rounds of those. Do 10 rounds of those if you can. And that can really shift your energy and just ground you, center you. The other thing is, and this is best done, uh, standing. So if you’re sitting stuck in traffic, this one might not work as well. But just practicing grounding your energy. So ideally, if you’re standing feet hip width apart, put one hand on your belly so that your thumb is kind of like in your belly button, and the rest of your hand is just resting on your, uh, on your lower belly. And just breathe deeply into that space and, and you can visualize moving the energy to that area. You can visualize roots growing from your feet into the ground to stabilize you, to ground you. Just breathe into that space. Really notice what’s going on for you, what’s coming up in your body, and allow that feeling to wash over you after several breaths. And you will notice that you are not nearly as reactive after you do that. Super powerful. That’s also something that you can use in conflict. If you’re in conflict, having an argument with someone. Um, there’s, there’s really beautiful ways to move and shift the energy in the moment. And these are a couple different practices that you can use to also not only ground yourself, but in those moments, you’re also reminding yourself that you’ve got you. You are teaching yourself and your nervous system that you can take care of you and you’re building confidence within that as well. It might not feel like it in the moment, but do those enough times. You’re actually teaching yourself that you can navigate the unknowns as they happen. You can navigate the circumstances as they happen. You can figure it out and you can navigate it. So let me know how those, how those ones go. And I’d love to hear how. You are going to be unreasonable in fighting for the life that you want this year. I would love to hear what your, your word or your words are for this year. That’s also been coming up with clients and I’ve just been blown away at the, the really incredible words that they’re using to just like step into their power and to, to create more joy in their life. And just all these, these. powerful, amazing things. It’s so, so beautiful. I would love to hear about that and also don’t forget that you can apply for a free coaching session with me, um, to be recorded and aired on the podcast. And if you are a couple and you would like to be coached by another couple, um, there’s an application for that one as well. And just really, really excited to see all the beautiful things that unfold this year. And you can navigate through all of it, even the unknowns, even the scary parts. You have absolutely got this. So have a beautiful day today. Talk to you soon.


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