The most dangerous thing you can possess is self worth. Because from self worth comes freedom and empowerment to choose exactly what and who you want in your life. But because we live in a world that teaches us to look outside of ourselves for validation, accolades, approval, self-worth can be a major struggle.
But when we stop auditioning for the approval of others and instead go inward and trust our own worth, it gives us the confidence to state our value to others.
This episode is all about stepping into your power and learning to ignore the junk that robs us of seeing our own self worth. It includes questions to ask yourself to establish how highly you truly value yourself.
In this episode, we’re talking about:
If you’re interested in truly stepping into your power, I have a brand new women’s group program coming up called “Grown Ass Women Era” all about making decisions from a place of your highest value. Email me or DM me if you want to know more (IG: @emilygoughcoach)
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REFERENCES
Episode 270 | Cultivating A Deep Sense Of Self Worth
Episode 377 | Hope After Heartbreak: Our Love Story With Kelly Gardner
Episode 352 | The Subtle Ways Self-Abandonment Sneaks Up On Us
TRANSCRIPT
It comes back to the very basic principle of putting on your own mask on the airplane before you put on someone else’s. I know that that seems like a cliche at this point. We’ve heard this over and over again about self care or whatever else, but if you aren’t taking care of you, how can anyone else take care of you?
You aren’t valuing yourself. You are not respecting yourself. How can anyone else value or respect you? And when you value yourself, you recognize that the external factors in your life do not define who you are as a human.
I’m Emily Gough, a human connection coach, writer, and speaker with an insatiable sense of curiosity and adventure. Always asking more questions and using the power of stories to teach, learn, and grow. We boldly explore relationships, connection, and the nuances and complexities of the human experience with compassion, honesty, and a sense of humor.
With both solo episodes and highly curated guests sharing incredible stories, experiences, and expertise, the room to grow podcast takes the entire idea of growth to the next level, all while covering the uncomfortable topics many of us would like to avoid. There’s always more room to grow. Let’s do this.
Hey, hey, welcome back to the room to grow podcast, Emily here. And today we’re going to be talking about how much you value yourself because how much or how little we value ourselves comes from within and the quality of our relationships will reflect it. I promise you it will reflect it. And this is what’s so fascinating about how much we value ourselves and the self worth, the inherent self worth.
We can develop is that the most dangerous thing you can possess is self worth because from that is freedom and empowerment. That makes you dangerous because it means that you are much more willing and able to walk away from situations or people who don’t serve you and don’t serve the life that you are looking to build and create.
And there are so many of us, and I have been there myself, where I stayed in relationships, stayed in situations, stayed stuck in loops that were to my own detriment. And it was because I was so afraid of being alone. I didn’t think that I didn’t value myself enough to be able to walk away. And what this can look like is stepping fully into your power, trusting yourself and your own instincts and intuition.
I’m actually learning to like your body, owning your sexuality and your aliveness, valuing your time and your energy, enjoying spending time alone and spending time with people who light you up where there’s mutual respect and reciprocity. I’m actually creating a brand new women’s group that has been sitting.
In me for a long time, and I have put off launching it all year because it hadn’t fully come through the ideas were there, but it hadn’t fully yet birthed through me and it is finally starting to come through and we’re calling it the grown ass woman era. That’s what we’re calling it is grown ass woman era, because this has come up with some of my clients as well.
And I work with men and women so this has, you know, this, this can be very much applicable to you if you’re a man as well in terms of your grown ass man era. But it is the, the women in particular that I’ve been talking to about, about this and this phrase has come out of me a few times because I’ve also been saying it to myself, like making decisions from a place of, okay, I now value myself so fucking much that I have entered my grown ass woman era.
And what does that mean? How am I going to act differently when I’m acting from that place? And this can rust it like drastically change the way that you show up in the world, the way that you show up for other people. More importantly, the way that you show up for yourself. We are the ones in charge of deciding what our value is, not other people.
We live in a world that teaches us to look outside of ourselves for validation and accolades and approval. But when we stop auditioning for the approval of others. We can actually really quietly go inward and trust our own worth. It will give you the confidence you need to be able to state your value to others, to set the standards and boundaries that you, you display and hold to, and that you You hold others to as well as holding yourself to which will inherently let others know how much you fucking value yourself.
If someone is unable to show up for you, that is a reflection on their capacity, not your worth as a human. Your worth as a human is that you are. human. Your worth is inherent. There’s nothing you need to do to prove it. There’s nothing you need to do to gain it or find it somehow. It’s already there.
It’s already within you. And so much of this work is about peeling back the layers of all of the things that people and society and culture has taught us.
To me, that’s what it means when, when I think about, you know, so called finding yourself, it’s not really how I tend to phrase it. And the reason for that, but it is, it is a very popular way of putting it. The reason why I think that some people think of it as sort of like finding yourself is that when we.
Peel back layer after layer after layer, and we heal some of these wounds. We start to uncover the person that you’ve always been, the value and the self worth that you have always possessed. It’s just about getting to it where it is, where it’s buried or hidden within you under a few more layers. Getting underneath that and, and getting to that point, that is what changes everything.
It’s interesting. I’ve also started to think about value in terms of what if feeling unworthy is actually an unconscious protection mechanism because we fear being disappointed if we believe in ourselves. Like, what if we let ourselves down? What if others let us down? What if we finally do the thing and we realize, Oh shit, I’m not this person that I thought I was?
Like, That, that fear of, of disappointing ourselves, if we actually believe in ourselves, it can also keep us trapped in this prison of pain and dissatisfaction. It becomes comfortable because we, we get, it becomes perpetual because we get comfortable in that because it becomes familiar to us. So we just repeat the cycle over and over and over again and wonder why nothing is changing.
It’s because the familiar feels safe. And that is human, by the way, that’s human. If you’re used to being in pain for so long, that can become your safe space because it’s what you know. So your nervous system has readjusted its settings to go, okay, well this is, this is our normal. This is familiar. This is therefore what is safe to me.
Seeking new opportunities or showing up in a different way or even valuing yourself at a much higher level can feel incredibly unfamiliar and therefore unsafe to the nervous system. And when we remain feeling unworthy, it’s one more way of trying to protect ourselves from disappointment. Like feeling unworthy can also lead to feeling stuck.
We can end up being stuck in these places of, of indecision and choices that we’re avoiding making and, and not making out of fear. Like indecision is a decision. Indecision is a choice in and of itself. And the real work is dissolving the fears that surround the choices that we’re putting off or the indecision that we’re having.
Right. There is so. much enormous vulnerability in asking for and going after what you want. Knowing your value means that even if you don’t get what you wanted, it doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough or that you’re unworthy. It just means that you didn’t get the thing that you wanted. But we, we live in the stories that we create and what we make it mean about us.
It’s one of my favorite questions to ask clients. It’s one of my questions to ask myself, my partner and I ask each other this a lot in our relationship as well. If, if one of us is you know, if somebody is hurting, if someone is having big feelings come up around a particular thing, the question that I always ask is what am I making this mean about me?
And that can shed an entirely different light on how we are approaching the world, how we are creating these stories that keep us trapped in that perpetual prison of pain because we, we make external things mean something so significant about us. Now, this can go both ways too, because what we’re not looking to do is also externalize our sense of validation for all the positive things.
As well, so developing a sense of self worth means to me getting anchored in your sense of self, that no matter what is going on around you, you can still come back to the safety that you hold within, that you are worth it as a human, that, that your value is innate. Your worth is innate. And yes, of course, it is so human.
This is our work, right? Like it is so human to be affected by the more negative things that come up in life and the positive, right? Like the positive can help reinforce to us our sense of self worth. The negative can make us question our self worth. That is human. That is part of the human experience.
But this is the work is. Creating a baseline for yourself where you’re a little bit more neutral and you’re not quite as deeply affected by these things, because if you do something really well, for example, and you get the external validation, the external accolade or whatever. Sure, enjoy it, receive it, appreciate it.
But if you already deeply trusted your sense of value as a human, it actually wouldn’t affect you that much. Because you would already be living in an internal space of trusting in your own worth. Here’s a question that I want you to ask yourself. If I allow myself to feel worthy of what I desire, what I fear will happen is What, what, what does that fill in the blank for you?
There’s other questions that we can ask here too, related to value, like really start to look at the different areas of your life. Do you treat and care for yourself in a way that demonstrates how much you value yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit, your soul? How do you treat your body? Do you like the way that you dress?
How do you carry yourself when you walk into a room? You might need to get feedback on this one too, because we can have a wildly different self image compared to what other people have of us. If I’m really honest with myself, what quality of people am I surrounded by? What are the quality of relationships?
How do you feel about the quality of your connections and relationships? If I felt worthy, what would I do differently? Really sit with these questions, allow them to sink in, and you might have some hard answers come to the surface, but this is, this is your, your starting point. This is the awareness that is needed for you to be able to build a much more solid sense of self worth within you.
I just came off of about a month ago, I, I did these two back to back very intense leadership events. Very intense. I actually talked about it a little bit in, in the previous episode. And they were a lot. And essentially how I’ve been describing them to people is that it was basically like completely shredding your nervous system.
In very uncomfortable situations, and then putting all the pieces back together so that you basically teach yourself you didn’t die. And I went into these events, I’m always very careful about these events to to not try to go in with some sort of expectation. But sometimes the expectations are sneaky and they kind of like work their way in anyway.
And I think that I went into these events looking for something to reflect my value back to me. Looking for some massive giant breakthrough that was going to be like the thing where every single puzzle piece of my life, like all fell into place. I think that on a subconscious level, even though I logically knew that that, that was, it was not a solid expectation to have.
I think that on, on a very subconscious level, that was, that was the sort of more covert expectation that I had under the surface. And. As I was going through these two weekends, you know, I, I was, I was having like little kind of like mini breakthroughs and, and some bigger than others for sure. But I was watching people around me have massive like life shattering, super vulnerable, like crying on the ground type of breakthroughs.
Like, oh my God, like life changing, like life altering, right? And I wasn’t really getting that. And I’m like, what the fuck? Why are they getting these magical breakthroughs that I think that I thought I was going to get and I’m not getting mine, where’s mine? And again, I did have many breakthroughs throughout, but I was, I was looking for like that, that like earth shattering breakthrough, like that single moment of time of like, oh my God, everything in the universe makes sense and I totally get it.
And this is the moment where my entire life changes overnight. Basically again, even though I logically knew that that was not likely to be the thing that that was the, the covert expectation that I had. Here’s the breakthrough that I had the most. There were several. But, but the biggest by far breakthrough that I had, it actually came after the events were over in the week that, that followed the events.
And the breakthrough that I had was that I already had and have currently everything within me. I, I was still somehow looking for something outside of me to remind me or, or show me or guide me into my own sense of self worth. And that, that wasn’t the thing. The breakthrough was that I am the breakthrough.
I am the breakthrough and that I already was the breakthrough, but these events just held up the mirror to reflect back to me what I needed to see and feel on a much more deeply intimate level. Because I can now then act from that place of recognizing my own value and worth in whole new ways that sure, like I’ve been doing this work for years and years and years, but there’s always more levels.
There’s always more layers. To uncover. So this was a huge new layer for me. It’s like, Oh shit, I’ve still somehow been sitting around waiting for this magical thing to happen to me or for me or this, this breakthrough to be given to me or whatever. I’ve still been waiting. I’m tired of fucking waiting.
I’m not waiting anymore because I, I am the breakthrough and I already have every single thing that I need within me. And what I don’t already have, I trust that I will learn along the way. And it took some time for that breakthrough to really sink in and integrate, even though I had that breakthrough in the week after the events, it took a few weeks for it to really like land and for me to start actually act from that place.
I, I was integrating some massive, massive things and I needed to just sort of like rest and recover after that and go, okay, who am I now that I’m acting from this place? And there’s another really big thing, another really big realization that I’ve had in the last month. And this came up the most in, in my relationship, it was such a beautiful realization to have.
It’s that someone who values you, values the investment as part of the process. So I could give you multiple examples of this, but one example is that my partner and I currently live in different countries, which means that it requires more committed investment from both of us. Because it requires more committed investment from both of us.
I was having these feelings of, you know, I, I know I’m fucking worth it and he certainly is to, to put in the extra investment to make this relationship work. And in many ways, the distance in between all, all the other time that we actually spend together in person, it’s actually only served to strengthen our relationship, which has been really beautiful because I didn’t expect that.
I thought that it would only be something that would divide us. It’s actually in a lot of ways helped us to bring, bring us together and build an even stronger foundation and, and there have been moments that I worried being with me would be too much trouble because of the inconvenience of me living in a different country.
I kind of questioned, you know, my burden, like I, I wasn’t, I wasn’t sure if I was having moments of doubt around, am I worth the investment? Is this other person going to think like, I know I’m worth the investment, but is he going to think that I’m worth the investment as part of growing and developing this relationship?
And that was the realization that I ended up having was that someone who really values you, they value the investment as part of the process. Valuing yourself also means being clear on your needs and not bargaining away pieces of yourself to make a relationship work either. There’s a big difference between compromise and self betrayal.
Compromise is, is, that’s something that’s going to happen in any relationship. And that’s where you can meet another person in the middle or, you know, wherever you, you both mutually decide to do so. And it feels good. It feels like, like a gift that you are giving both the other person and, and yourself, you know, as a result of what comes from making that compromise.
The, the beautiful connection that can happen as a result of a really solid compromise that feeds both parties involved. That’s, it’s beautiful. Self betrayal, however, the difference between that and compromise, self betrayal is when we give away parts of ourselves and it, it feels icky. It just feels like Ooh, I just said this thing and it doesn’t feel good and I wish I could take it back.
Or I just, I just agreed to this thing, even though with every fiber of my being, I know that I don’t actually want to. Self betrayal can be sneaky. There’s podcast episodes that I’ve done on that around the very subtle ways that self abandonment can happen. And I highly recommend going to check it out.
I’ll list, I’ll list that episode in the show notes. I can’t remember the episode number off the top of my head, but it’ll be listed in the show notes for you. And it is really sneaky. So we have to get to know the difference between compromise and self betrayal. And sometimes the only ways that we get to know that difference truly is by undergoing abandoning ourselves in situations.
And then we see it for what it is and we’re like, Oh, it’s that feeling. And then we can recognize that feeling when it comes up more and be like, Oh, my compromising or self abandoning right now, this might be bordering a self abandoning. But when we can learn to fully choose ourselves. This is also a sign of valuing yourself.
And there’s much more to say on this in upcoming episodes. My partner and I have talked about this a lot as well. If you want to hear more about our story, and we actually talked a little bit about the whole being chosen thing in episode 377. So you can definitely go check that out as well. Choosing yourself, this is a theme that comes up with so many of my clients.
It comes up. In my own life, often it came up with these, these two really major leadership events that I did as well. You cannot expect others to choose you and value you if you don’t value yourself and always place yourself last instead of first. And that can sound a lot easier. In theory than in reality, because we’re like, Oh yeah, like, of course I choose myself.
I recently had had again, another mirror held up to me where I was like, Oh, I thought I was choosing myself. And again, I’ve been doing this work a long time, but I started recognizing areas where I hadn’t been choosing myself and it landed so deeply that I am now coming back to that question every single day where I’m like, am I choosing myself right now?
Am I choosing myself right now? Am I choosing myself right now? And choosing yourself does not mean that you don’t choose others as well. But What it does mean is that you, when you choose yourself, you can then more genuinely and, and deeply and authentically choose another from that place of actually choosing yourself.
Because otherwise, if you are choosing yourself and you’re always putting other people above you. Even on a subconscious level, they can’t actually fully trust that you mean what you say, that you fully are choosing them. Because if you aren’t even choosing you, how can you possibly be choosing them? You cannot expect others to choose you and value you.
If you don’t value yourself and you always place yourself last. And, in my opinion, the order of priority, and I’ve, I’ve had many, I’ve had so many conversations around this, I have really sat with this question, I’ve done some deep thinking on this question. And to me, the order of priority in our lives should be you, number one.
No matter who else is in your life, doesn’t matter, you should be your number one priority. Your second priority should be your sense of purpose in the world, because your sense of purpose. It’s what will keep you going and keep you anchored even when shit gets really hard and, and a relationship ending or something like that.
It can’t take it away from you. Sometimes we, we lose it for a little while, but we don’t actually lose it. It’s again, just sort of like buried under some layers that then we need to uncover. But your sense of purpose is what will keep you going in this world. Your third priority. Should be your partner if you have one and then, you know, children, friends, loved ones, like all of all of those things, but you have to be your own number one priority.
You it comes back to the very basic principle of putting on your own mask on the airplane before you put on someone else’s. I know that that seems like a cliche at this point. We’ve heard this over and over again about self care or whatever else, but if you aren’t taking care of you, how can anyone else take care of you?
You aren’t valuing yourself. You are not respecting yourself. How can anyone else value or respect you? And when you value yourself, you recognize that the external factors in your life do not define who you are as a human. You’re still going to have bad days. I promise you, you’re still going to have bad days.
Unfortunately, that is a promise that we all know to be true, but you allow yourself the compassion and grace to experience those moments and move through them instead. As opposed to allowing them to define you.
And another huge part of this is taking personal ownership and responsibility for your mistakes and your growth without allowing past versions of yourself to again, define who you are becoming. We’ve all fucked up. We’ve all made mistakes in the past, but that doesn’t have to mean that that’s who you are moving forward.
When you take ownership and responsibility for who you have been and what you have done, that is, that’s, that’s what allows for you to have the growth to progress forward. And again, you know, this, this whole idea of like being chosen and choosing yourself, what do either of those things even mean? Like we all want to be chosen.
We all want to be chosen. Again, very human. We all want to. That’s, that’s, you know, inherent in a lot of our connections. We need to feel the mutual reciprocity of being chosen by someone that we also choose. And when that balance is off, it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good. Now, I wanted to give you like a specific example here of what it means to choose yourself.
In a moment where it might not seem like much, but it’s a really big deal. So there, there was a, a night a couple of weeks ago where my partner and I were supposed to go for dinner with with somebody else. And I just was not feeling it. I wanted to go to support him. And I, I wanted to be there for him, but I was exhausted.
I was run down. I had a big week coming up. I was just worn out and with every fiber of my being, I did not want to go. And it wasn’t, it wasn’t necessarily like required for me to be there, but I wanted to go for his sake. And I was sort of having the internal conversation with myself. I’m like, Em, are you choosing yourself right now?
If you go to this dinner and the internal part of me knew. That going to this dinner was going to mean that I was not choosing myself, and I had vowed a few weeks earlier that I was, I was not going to make that mistake again. And so over, overriding that inner knowing was going to break my own trust.
But I was still fighting it a little bit and my partner could sense that my energy was off. Like I, I wasn’t thrilled if I’m going to this dinner, but I was like, no, no, I want to go. But the words and the energy were not matching. And I, I really sat with it. And finally I, I went up to him and I said, I need to choose myself right now.
I need to just have a quiet night to myself solo instead of going to this dinner to recharge. And I was, I was a little bit nervous about sharing that with him because I thought he was gonna be mad at me. I Thought he was going to kind of like hold it against me maybe later on, like even if he was okay with it initially, but he was going to hold it against me later.
I was so blown away by his response. He was so grateful. He practically dropped his knees and he was so genuinely excited. That I had chosen myself and that meant so much to him. He just kept sharing with me how grateful he was because he, he understands that when each of us choose ourselves, we are better able to show up for and choose the other.
Now what would happen? What would have happened if I’d gone to that dinner? Because I was not having, I was, I did not feel great energy about going to that dinner. I probably would have been miserable, which also probably would have been a pain in the ass for him and, and kind of ruined his night. So we both would have like ruined each other’s nights, mostly because I didn’t choose myself.
And yes, there are absolutely going to be moments where sometimes we just have to you know, adult, we have to do the adult things, you know, like pay the bills. Like sometimes those things are choosing ourselves. And sometimes we are going to compromise in relationship to put the relational entity above ourselves.
Not above ourselves, though, we’re still choosing ourselves while deciding to. Make a compromise that serves the relationship. And this is where things get tricky, right? Like this is where the nuance lives. This is why I’m so obsessed with relationship work because there is no one black and white answer that applies to every single situation.
But what I can tell you with certainty is that when you actively do not choose yourself, When you override your inner knowing about what feels good for you, what, what resonates for you, all of these things, you are breaking the trust that you have in yourself, you are breaking the trust that others have in you.
And it, it really creates a ton of disconnection. There’s also so much freedom that comes from choosing ourselves. And, you know. When we choose another from a sense of security and self worth and value within ourselves, they feel, I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience, I certainly have, where they will actually feel even more special likely because you had the freedom to choose anyone you wanted and you’re choosing them because you want them, not because you need them.
That’s what I mean by the freedom. When you feel that sense of freedom from within. You are, that’s a dangerous piece again, too. We’re like, when you value yourself so much, you are then choosing others and choosing the things in your life with more intentionality and it’s coming from a place of freedom, not feeling like you’re being forced into something.
And no one wants to be with someone who is choosing them because they feel like they have to. We all want to be with someone who is choosing us because they want us, they desire to be with us on such a deep, genuine level that that is where the connection can grow. But you have to choose yourself first.
And choosing yourself is the best example I can think of, of how to actively demonstrate how much you value yourself. And if you’re sitting there going like, okay, well, I don’t have as much self worth as I would like, if I’m really honest with myself, I don’t value myself as much, you know, maybe you did those, those questions that I post to you and you’re like, Ooh, I’m seeing some things where I am, I’m not valuing myself in certain areas.
How do I start to build this? You start coming back to the question over and over and over again of, am I choosing myself right now? And sometimes you might undergo a little bit of a pendulum swing. I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, again, I’ll list the episode where if you go from having, let’s say, no boundaries.
And you kind of have a breakthrough moment where you’re like, fuck this, sometimes we have to get mad, sometimes we have to get angry in order to make the shift, not always, but sometimes that can be the case. We then swing to the other end of the spectrum where we have so many boundaries, we’ve practically built barriers around ourselves.
And that can be really hard for the people around us and for ourselves to kind of go through. But sometimes it’s a necessary part of the process to be able to inevitably regulate and you will regulate. You will come to that middle ground. Sometimes we can’t have one without the other. We have to undergo the pendulum swing sometimes in order to be able to find that middle.
And when you can come back to this question of, am I choosing myself right now? Am I being honest with myself about what I’m choosing? Am I being honest with the people closest to me about what I’m choosing? That is going to build trust within you. And that is going to demonstrate to yourself how much You value who you are as a human, that is going to build trust in yourself over time.
And that is going to give you a more solid foundation to create the standards and boundaries in your life of what you are inviting in and how you show up for yourself. So I’ve thrown a lot of you in this one, it’s a lot here, but how to value yourself and you know, building self worth and all of those things.
I will have other episodes listed as reference in the show notes, so I definitely recommend checking that out. If you are interested in the brand new women’s program that I’m going to be offering, the women’s group Grown Us Woman Era make sure to check out the show notes as well. There will be information there and my partner and I are also starting to work with couples.
So my partner’s name is Kelly Gardner. He’s an incredible relationship coach as well, and we’ve already started working with couples and it is. So rewarding. It is so beautiful. I’ve had people ask me over the years if I, if I worked with couples and I kept turning them away because I wasn’t, there was more work that I wanted to do before I got to that point.
And now that I’m actually opening the doors to get to work with couples and we’re doing it together, it is so incredible to see the difference that it is making. There’s one couple that we’re, that we’re working with right now. And the other day we had a group session with them and the man started to cry at one point and his partner asked him, you know, why are you crying?
And he said, I’m just so happy. Like just the level of connection that they have developed in just a few short sessions has been so powerful to see and it is palpable. It all, a lot of it also starts with the work that we do on ourselves, which is why I’m offering the women’s program as well. So I’m really excited.
I’ve got so many things for you. If you are part of a, if you are a couple or if you are part of a couple who would like to work with us for the couple’s work we do have a bit of an application process to make sure that we’re all good fit for each other. So there’s information in the show notes on that.
There’s also information in the show notes on where to sign up for the women’s group program. And just where to get more information about it. So can’t wait to share all these things with you. Really cool things coming down the line super excited for going into 2024 is lots of amazing things. So let me know how this landed for you.
Let me know what this may be brought up for you. I would love to hear it. I love hearing your stories. They just bring me so much joy. So please reach out on Instagram. I’m over at Emily Goff coach. You can also send me an email at info at Emily Goff coaching. com. So thanks so much for listening. Talk to you soon.
Thank you so much for listening. If you want more, one of the most common questions I get is, where do I even start doing this work to create deeper connections and better relationships? I’ve got a free 15 page guide for you called, where Do We Begin? This is the very foundation that you need to start building healthy relationships with others and with yourself.
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