If the dating pool is feeling smaller and smaller for you, ask yourself: why is that a bad thing? What if it actually means a better chance at the relationship you’re looking for?
This requires a reframe of what “abundance” truly means when it comes to dating and relationships.
The fact is, not everyone is a match for you. But you don’t actually want MORE options, you want the RIGHT options. That’s ultimately what picking a partner is about. And instead of people pleasing and desperately trying to fit someone else’s mold, a much more authentic approach will stop you from looking in all the wrong places for all the wrong things.
In this episode, we’re talking about:
I hope this episode helps you reframe some of the challenges around dating, because where there’s lack, there’s abundance on the other side. Email or DM me with your take IG: @emilygoughcoach
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Website: Emily Gough Coaching
Podcast: Room To Grow Podcast
Podcast Producer: Adam Liefl
And all the things that, that we might look for in a partner when we are able to eliminate the people who are never gonna be a good fit for us anyway. Why does that feel like lack or, or scarcity? Somehow it’s actually creating more abundance for you in ways that you might not even be recognizing until you change your story around that. I’m Emily Gough,
a human connection coach, writer, and speaker with an insatiable sense of curiosity and adventure, always asking more questions and using the power of stories to teach, learn, and Grow. We boldly explore relationships, connection, and the nuances and complexities of the human experience with compassion, honesty, and a sense of humor with both solo episodes and highly curated guests,
sharing incredible stories, experiences and expertise. The Room to Grow Podcast takes the entire idea of growth to the next level, all while covering the uncomfortable topics many of us would like to avoid. There’s always more room to grow. Let’s do this. Hey, hey. Welcome back to The Room to Grow podcast Emily here. And today we are going to be talking about abundance in dating because so many of us can approach dating with this very scarcity mindset.
So if you are already in a relationship, maybe this isn’t for you, maybe you wanna pass this one along to somebody else at one of your friends, perhaps, whatever it is, although you may still get something out of this too, actually. But, but I do think that there’s a lot of importance in addressing this. So first, I do really want to let you know that I am running my communication clinic masterclass slash workshop.
I don’t really know what to call it because I am gonna be doing a lot of teaching, but I’m also doing a ton of q and a, so it’s two full hours because of that, because I wanted to make sure to leave lots of time to address people and all their questions live. And I’m also teaching a ton too. It is jam packed,
so you wanna make sure to sign up. It’s happening Monday, March 20th at 7:00 PM Eastern. But if you are listening to this after the fact, or if you can’t make it live, make sure to jump into the show notes anyway and you can grab the replay. Okay? So go sign up. But hopefully you can make it live because that is where the real magic is gonna be happening.
So, abundance in dating, this is, this is really big because, you know, this is sort of like we can feel like the pool of people that would be a good fit for us is potentially so small. How do we even find them? How do we find the right person? And years, it, it’s actually been a long time since I saw it that way,
and, but I’ve had many, many people approach me about this, especially recently. I’ve had several people approach me about this, even friends talking to me about this feeling like the pool of people that would be the right fit for them is so small. How are they ever even going to find them? And I totally get that. Trust me, I completely understand that.
And I want, I want to sort of like frame this in different ways for you. So one thing is that, and I’m just gonna use this as as an example, okay? Everyone has completely different preferences in everything. Like in, in everything. But I’m going to use physical appearance just as one example here to start with because it’s the most,
it’s the most obvious because it’s the first thing that we see about people. We, we see their physical body and how, how they, they look like their, their appearance. We see how somebody looks. And I’m also a big fan of like reading energy instead. But anyway, that, that’s a separate conversation. For the purposes of this particular conversation,
let’s think about physical body type for a minute. So I’m gonna use myself as an example here. I’m six feet tall and I am a, a pretty slim built. And that is not, that is absolutely not going to be for everyone. All kinds of potential partners would have no interest in dating someone as tall as I am or with a variety of other factors about my physical appearance.
There can be all kinds of things, and that alone eliminates people who aren’t a good fit for me. And there are all kinds of people who would prefer someone more petite or more curvy or more like, we could go on all day about the number of, of qualities phys and just, we are just talking about the physical here for, for a quick second.
There are all kinds of physical things that somebody else might have that I don’t or vice versa. And, and whatever it is, it eliminates the people who aren’t going to be a good fit for that. You are not going to be for everybody. And that is a very good thing. And for the record, how you look is the fucking least interesting thing about you.
But I’m using physical appearance as simply as one very obvious example because of course, physical attraction is still a really big part of the dating and mating process. But I wouldn’t actually want to be the right fit for everybody. Not that that mythical person even exists, the, the so-called person who is like perfect and, and right for every single human. But in our minds,
we can tend to believe that at times and, and strive to live up to some sort of ideal that is actually a figment of our imaginations. But every single human has unique aspects about them that makes ’em an anomaly. You are an anomaly. You listening to this, you are an anomaly. I am an anomaly. Every single one of us is,
has carries a unique spiritual fingerprint because it’s how we look is one thing. There’s no two humans who are absolutely, well, I mean, well there’s identical twins, but let’s ignore that for a quick second. But even with identical twins, those twins are still different because you can have two people who may look exactly the same. And twins run in my family,
by the way. So I I can, I can speak to personal experience on this. You can take two people who look identical even and they grew up in the same household and all the things. They can have two wildly different experiences, even just of their own childhood. Like those two people may have two completely different versions of how, how their childhood went or how it made them feel,
or like certain aspects of it because every single person is, it has unique stories, trauma, beliefs, cultural norms. I, I’ve said these things before and I will continue to say them again because you are a unique being and, and some thing or, or features about you that makes you stand out. It’s something that is uniquely yours. And can we look at that from the standpoint of how utterly amazing that is?
Like that when you’re not for everyone that weeds out whole groups of people who are not a good fit for us. So again, I’ll use myself as an example and, and we are just using physical appearance on one basis here. There are so many people who would’ve no interest in dating a woman who’s six feet tall, like seriously. And then there’s lots of people who love a tall woman,
and that’s great. You know what that does? That eliminates for me automatically all the people who don’t want to date someone six feet tall. And what does that leave, that leaves the people who would be a better fit for me at least just on that one particular level, just that one particular level that’s like a natural, like weeding out process, vetting process.
And it’s not about making the pool of available options for you smaller, it’s that it actually weeds out a lot of the bullshit of, of people who were never gonna be a good fit for you. And it makes it more clear and focused for you to tap into groups of people who are a good fit for you and vice versa. Because as we know,
obviously this needs to be mutually reciprocal. And of course there’s, there’s also compatibility and chemistry and like all of these other things that play such an important role and all of the aspects of us as unique beings are things that end up weeding out certain people as we get to know them and as they get to know us. This is a good thing. That doesn’t have to be bad.
It doesn’t mean you’re never going to find the right person for you. In a lot of ways it might actually make it easier for you to find your person because like, like for example, a again, I’m not gonna have to worry about potentially wasting my time with a guy who was strictly into very petite women with lots of amazing curves and completely different personality traits for me.
Like, like Shai reserved, you know, I, I am none of those things. That’s not a better or worse thing at all. That’s just a different thing. I’m just not shy or reserved and there are lots of people who will prefer that. So what does that do for me? That eliminates whole groups of people who have no interest in,
in dating someone who is super outgoing, still an introvert, but super outgoing, rather loud talks a lot like all of these things, right? That is not for everyone, I can assure you, and I’m not gonna have to worry likely about getting involved with someone like that who would, you know, feeling like, like, like those people weren’t a good fit for me because I’m not a good fit for them.
Like, like for those groups of people, I’m not for them and then they’re not for me. And great, that’s awesome. That eliminates all of those people that then I get to then get focused and clear on the people who would potentially be a better fit for me. And that that actually leaves us more open and available to explore with people who are potentially going to be more into you and more,
more into more of your, your traits. All kinds of different things. None of us are supposed to be for everyone. And I want you to recognize the whole point of this episode is that I want you to recognize the stories that you’re telling yourself. The things that make you unique are the things that make you stand out in the best possible way so that the right people can more easily find you.
Stop worrying about whether your traits are turning some people off. They are. And that that’s good because that’s a part of the natural selection process that will actually help you find the right person and the right people in general. It’s another reason why it is so incredibly important to show up as your genuine, true, authentic self and not pretend to be someone you’re not.
Because otherwise you’ll never feel truly seen or loved because you will know that the other person doesn’t even truly know you. The other person could, could stand in front of you after dating for i, I don’t know, two years dating for two years. And if you, if you know on the inside that you have not allowed the true parts of yourself to come through,
that you have like hidden away portions of yourself or pretended to be someone that you’re not, someone could be standing right in front of you and tell you how much they love you and mean it, they could mean it, but you would in your, in your mind, you’d be like, you don’t fucking love me because you don’t know me. This is why it is so important to show up as our genuine selves.
I go into that more in episode 3 39 about how to become wildly magnetic and a lot of that ties down and, and roots into showing up more, more genuinely, more authentically allowing your true self to shine through. And that’s scary because it’s going to eliminate some people. But can we change the story around why that’s bad? Why is that bad? That’s a good thing.
And, and yes, of course it is a very human trait. We all have this trait from very evolutionary perspectives. We have these traits that we want to be liked by, by a huge number of different people. We want to be liked. Of course we do because again, evolutionarily speaking, we would have gotten kicked out of the TRIBE and left to die if we were not liked by the people around us.
So it’s, it’s okay and it’s very human for you to feel that way because every single one of us feels that way sometimes, of course we do. No matter how much work you do on yourself, all of us will, will have that experience of feeling that way. But can we start to shift the stories that we are carrying around those beliefs?
Because you don’t actually want more options. You want the right options. That’s ultimately what picking a partner is about. It. It’s all a vetting process that we’re all always embarking upon with everyone in our lives. Literally everyone on a regular basis, like even friends, family members, even, you know, like maybe we need to set more boundaries with particular family members because as we are continuously vetting them over,
over the years, maybe we start to see things that we don’t like and we have to change the way that we communicate with that. Whatever it is, we are always all vetting people, but this is not about removing options. It’s actually opening you up to be more available for the people who are a better fit for you. That is such a beautiful thing,
this natural vetting process. It it’s taking place for us as we do our own vetting when while getting to know someone else’s personality, values, lifestyle, emotional intelligence, communication skills, integrity, like all the things that that we might look for in a partner when we are able to eliminate the people who are never gonna be a good fit for us anyway.
Why does that feel like lack? Why does that feel like lack? Why does that feel like, like a lack of options or, or scarcity? Somehow it’s actually creating more abundance for you in ways that you might not even be recognizing until you change your story around that. So I’m challenging you here to start approaching dating as an adventure, looking at each person that you meet as a way to meet cool new humans who,
who maybe will turn into great friends of yours and then seeing what, what that might turn into. Because I’ll tell you like the, the absolute most rock solid foundation for any romantic relationship is friendship. And that’s not to say that you have to be, you know, like friends first and like for X amount of time. It’s, it’s not, it’s not about that.
It’s that at the core of your relationship, you genuinely, you don’t just love your partner, you fucking like them, you like them and you have a mutually reciprocal friendship at the, at the very core of your romantic relationship. But if we approach every person we date with this question hovering over us 24 7 of like, is this the one? It puts a lot of pressure on you,
on the other person and on the relationship, and you might miss the, the ease that can come with relaxing into the process a little bit more. And I know that it can feel so hard sometimes, you know, if, if you’re feeling impatient or if you are feeling exhausted or drained by the dating process. So again, I’m gonna challenge you,
like I’ve talked to clients about this before, how can you bring more play into it? How can you, how can you create ways to actually enjoy dating, enjoy getting to know people, and then seeing what that turns into that might not be what the answer that everyone wants to hear, but I, I really think that coming at it from that approach can make a really big difference.
So hopefully this has made you feel maybe even a little bit more hopeful about dating or made you look at, at the stories that you’re perhaps telling yourself about dating in a little bit different way, in a little bit different light. And seeing how it’s actually a really good thing to eliminate the people who aren’t a good fit for us. Because having a small pool to choose from that is not a bad thing.
That means that instead of 8 billion options, maybe you may, maybe it then just like gets rid of a lot of the other people who aren’t a good fit to leave you more open and available for the ones who are. So let me know how that lands. Okay, so send me message over at @EmilyGoughCoach on Instagram’s the easiest way to reach me or send me an email over at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And also make sure to check out the communication clinic workshop. I am so excited about this. The, this is information that I like, like teachings that I haven’t, I’ve never taught publicly before. So my private clients have experienced this, but I can’t wait to share this with you and I don’t do these very often. So really, really excited about this.
Make sure to go check out the show notes for all the information and we’ll be back soon. Thank you so much for listening. If you want more, one of the most common questions I get is where do I even start doing this work to create deeper connections and better relationships? I’ve got a free 15 page guide for you called, where Do We Begin?
This is the very foundation that you need to start building healthy relationships with others and with yourself. This is my gift to you and multiple people have referred to it as life changing. You can find it over at Room to grow podcast.com or check the show notes to go download it and have it sent straight to your inbox. Thanks so much and stay tuned for more episodes weekly.
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