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On to the episode…
“When it comes to getting to know yourself, and starting to recognize these signs of self betrayal and starting to actually change and fix some of these signs of self betrayal, part of that is going to require you to create moments of peace and stillness and quiet for yourself.”
Self betrayal is a pretty big topic and one that I have really been feeling called to talk about lately. There are so many different ways that we betray ourselves almost daily, and it’s time to start letting go of that and get growing past it. We’re always going to be uncovering more and more parts of ourselves within this journey, but I think it’s really, really important to talk about self betrayal, because it is something that can be holding us back in a wide variety of ways.
Today we’re diving into;
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Hey, welcome back to the Room To Grow podcast, Emily here and today we’re going to be talking a little bit about self betrayal. This is a big one. I kind of realized lately that I had started to shift a little bit more away from some of the mental health/personal development episodes and I want to come back to this a little bit because that is the root of the podcast. I still incorporate all of that into my business episodes as well, but there’s a lot happening right now for so many people and mental health is always part of the conversation as far as I’m concerned, but especially this year. There is so much going on in the world, there is a lot of pain, there is a lot of grief and there’s a lot coming to the surface for all of us. I think that it’s really important to address some of these things as they’re coming up and self betrayal is one of many, many, many, many things that you might be noticing or experiencing, or starting to pay attention to. Maybe this episode might actually wake you up to, ‘hey, I have been betraying myself a little bit and there are some changes that I want to make’. So I hope that this kind of helps you with that a little bit because it’s something that I have put a lot of thought into for myself in my own life and had to make some changes around. I had to accept some things that I had certain choices that I had been making that I needed to shift in the last couple years, especially this year as well. And then I saw a post by the Holistic Psychologist, if you’re not following her on Instagram, you must go do so @the.holistic.psychologist. She put up one specific post about self betrayal and I had already been thinking about it, then she put up a post and it was like she’d read my mind. I’m going to reference this specific post as well because some of the points that she made, I thought were really, really valuable. So I’m going to be incorporating those a little bit but I’m going to just kind of use it as a starting off point and then we’re going to go into this a little bit deeper.
Really quick. I did want to let you know that I am offering a very special 21 day Business Coaching strategy session right now. I’m only offering them to a very small handful of people because it’s so involved. I do podcasting coaching as well, obviously, but this is a little bit separate from that, this is business strategy. So if you have a business, this is something that might be the right fit for you. If you are looking to scale, if you’re looking to get some direction, if you’re feeling really lost right now, and you want really personalized attention, this is encompassing all of that. So when I talk a lot about mental health and mindset, and all this type of stuff, these are the kinds of things that I talk to clients about all the time and I think that it’s really important to address that aspect of it especially as an entrepreneur. Personal development and working on yourself is one of the biggest roadblocks, potentially, to building a really great business, or vice versa, it can kind of go either way. You can’t have a shit life and a great business or the other way around. You can’t have a really shit business and a really great life. Usually like it’s, you have to incorporate them both because you are a human and you have a personal brand which is very personal to you. And that has to be sort of all encompassing. So we start off with a 90 minute intensive to really go deep into a huge number of things. Then we do 21 days, followed by 21 days of Voxer support, audio messages and all that type of stuff to go back and forth and really get you super clear on some of the big shifts that you need to be doing to build a better life and a better business at the same time. Because they are so intertwined and when we try to separate them, we don’t really take the full picture view and that’s when the problems start. So I’m really excited about this. It is by application only. So you can go jump over to the show notes over at roomtogrowpodcast.com or whatever device you’re listening to this on, it will be hyperlinked right in the show notes as well, you can go apply and we will get back to you within 24 to 48 hours. Okay.
Let’s get into this a little bit more. Self betrayal. You might even be wondering what the hell I’m talking about with self betrayal. So I am going to get into this a little bit, let me give you some examples. The first three or four examples are ones that the Holistic Psychologist mentioned in her posts that I referenced, and I’ve got a whole list of other things as well, that might hit a little bit of a nerve with you. You might be going, ‘Oh, okay, yeah, that might actually be something that I need to shift’. So self betrayal can look like a wide variety of things. One of them is sacrificing all of your needs in order to keep or maintain a relationship, and that doesn’t have to mean a romantic relationship by the way, that can mean a friendship, that can mean a relationship with a family member, any of those types of things this can apply across the board. I have absolutely been in that position, particularly with romantic relationships. The most obvious example is the relationship that I was in for 9 years. You can reference Episode 117 for more on that. II ended that relationship when I found out about the 9 years of infidelity that had been going on since day one. So what one of the big things that I learned from that relationship and I talked about that a little bit in that episode is, I was doing everything in my power and giving away pieces of myself just to maintain that relationship. I was even sacrificing my own health and I didn’t really realize it when I was in it, it wasn’t until after the fact that I actually really saw it for what it was. I was sacrificing pieces of myself solely to maintain a relationship that wasn’t serving me to begin with. And that might sound really familiar to you and again, it can take all kinds of different forms. But this is something that a lot of us do, because we innately feel, sometimes as though we’re not enough and I’m going to get into that a little bit more as well. We’re not enough or maybe we are afraid of what our life would look like without that relationship and we can’t imagine life looking. What our lives would look like if we actually did step outside of that and started looking for what else life could be. So that’s a really big one.
Another one is keeping yourself overbooked with obligations with zero time left for you. How familiar does that sound to you? All of these are familiar to me by the way, I want to be very clear here I am not speaking from any kind of pedestal. These are all things that I have either done in the past or things that I am actively working on right now to fix. So I am right there with you on this and this is a really big one. Keeping yourself overbooked with obligations with no time left for you, I have absolutely done that. I have done that a lot, even this year, a huge amount this year, actually and it doesn’t feel good. If you’ve done that, you know it doesn’t feel good. The question that I always have to kind of try and ask myself sometimes, and maybe this will be helpful for you as well, is what are you running from? Or what do you run towards? And is it really worth it? If you have blinders on and miss real life as it’s happening around you, while you’re running towards that goal and all the obligations, and ‘oh my god, I have to do this! and I have to do that’. It’s a really, really quick way to become resentful of all of the people or obligations that you maintain and putting the blame elsewhere as well. So rather than taking responsibility for yourself, and for your own choices, when you are maintaining all these obligations, all these commitments, you can say, ‘oh, but you know, so and so needs me and this person needs this and that person needs that and whatever, like, it’s their fault, it’s on them’. Then you’re not taking responsibility for yourself and this is a tough one, especially if you’re a parent with kids, maybe that can be especially hard because kids are dependent on you and how do you manage that and that’s a different conversation. Ultimately it still comes down to making sure that you are carving out something for you even if it is 5 or 10 minutes that are like your sacred space. I’m going to kind of circle back to this because I’ve got more to say on that as well. But another example of self betrayal is achieving something just to be validated by somebody else without actually really wanting it for yourself. So maybe you became a lawyer because your parents wanted you to, but you hate the job. You probably even hated the process to get to the point of being a lawyer but you did it because you were seeking approval, or people pleasing and I feel you on the people pleasing.I feel you, but we have to get clear on what it is that we want. Because when we are doing things and achieving and checking off all those boxes because we want the approval of someone else, but it doesn’t actually feel good to us, that’s a betrayal. We’re betraying ourselves when we do that.
This is a really big one as well. Feeling a huge amount of shame or guilt, for choices that you made in the past when you were in survival mode. I have had not one but two therapists say this to me and it struck me so deeply. Sometimes when we are in certain situations, I think it’s safe to say that most of us have been in situations where much later on when we look back on those particular situations, we barely recognize that version of ourselves. We’re like, ‘Who was that? That person like what?, what was I thinking?’ And we make choices like when we’re looking back on that from a more neutral perspective by that point. Once we have some time and space, we can look back on that version of ourselves and go ‘Okay, but that was all she knew at the time. And that version of me was making the best choices that she could with the information and knowledge that she had in that moment’. Then forgiving yourself for that because in some of those situations, you may also have been in full blown survival mode, where you had to make certain choices that are not necessarily indicative or a reflection of who you really are. But they were the choices that you had to make at the time because of the situation that you were in. Regardless of whose responsibility it was that you were in a particular situation, remove that for a moment. Think about particular situations in your life where you were in full blown survival mode, I can think of several again, one of the biggest ones that comes to mind is choices that I had to make in the aftermath of ending my relationship. Have to sort of maintain peace. And it was difficult because there were times where I was so angry with him and I just wanted to kind of release that at him. I had to really control myself to the point where I almost felt as though I was betraying myself by not getting angry with him. Don’t get me wrong, I did still get angry with him, but I held a lot back because I didn’t want to rock the boat. He was holding some and again, I talked about this more in that episode as well, but he was holding a lot of the financial rains. And because of a variety of circumstances that were very unexpected that led up to all of this. I didn’t like that it felt as though I was letting him “get away with it”. In very particular moments overall, that wasn’t how I felt, but there were moments in time where I did kind of feel like I was holding my emotions in so much to him that it felt as though he was kind of going about his life going ‘okay, well, yeah, you know, whatever, it’s no big deal about what I did. And she’s fine with it. Like, you know, she’s cool, no big deal’. I don’t think that’s actually how he was feeling and, and that isn’t the role that I was playing from my end really either but that’s just one tiny example. I could give you all kinds of examples where I had to make certain choices because I was in survival mode and that was a betrayal of myself. But they were the choices I had to make at that time. I want you to think about past situations in your own life where that has been the case for you as well, because we all have examples of that in our lives.
Here’s another example of self betrayal, saying yes to things that later cause resentment for yourself. This is kind of similar to making all kinds of commitments and obligations and stuff, when you don’t actually really mean to. You’re going to be resentful of all those commitments and obligations and people that you are committed to, because you said yes, so often.
Constantly comparing ourselves to other people. That’s a huge betrayal as well. That’s a huge betrayal. Because that’s just playing into the rhetoric then that you aren’t good enough. That’s what you’re telling yourself. When you are comparing yourself to everybody else. You’re telling yourself that you weren’t good enough or you’re telling yourself ‘I’ll be good enough when blank, when I lose 10 pounds, when I make these wrinkles on my face disappear, when I have a boyfriend, when I’…I could go on all day, we’ve all had these situations where we think to ourselves, ‘I’ll be good enough when blank’ insert any random number of things here and that’s a betrayal.
Playing small, this is a big one. This is a big one. And again, another thing that I have struggled with absolutely struggled with, and I’m certain that I will continue to struggle with at times and have to catch myself in those moments in the future as well. Especially as women. And I have another episode or two coming up, kind of a little bit tied to this because I’ve been talking a lot to my female clients lately who have been dealing with things like imposter syndrome and you know just kind of like shrinking themselves and I have felt that too occasionally lately. I’ve talked to some really fantastic male friends of mine about imposter syndrome and they just don’t really seem to experience it the same way that I see women experiencing it. I’m going to end up doing an entire podcast episode about it because I think that it’s actually really fascinating, but it’s a self betrayal! When we play small when we don’t show up as the full version of ourselves, pretending to be maybe someone that we’re not as well in order to live up to the expectations of others. So that kind of ties in with achieving something to be validated by somebody else. But it can also be a little bit different too, it can kind of be showing up as like we’re playing a role. You know, we’ve seen, I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly seen people and I’m certain that I’ve probably been that person at one time or another, where they can be kind of a chameleon. And they’re a different person, depending on who they’re hanging out with. We all go to different people for different things so that’s okay, up to a point but if you were behaving like a completely different person, depending on who you’re with, you need to examine that a little bit more closely. There’s something going on there that could be tied to people pleasing, that could be it, could be a wide variety of things, but no matter what it is, it comes down to portraying who you really are. And who are you? Do you even know who you really are? Maybe you’re testing out different masks and different roles and seeing which version of yourself you like the best, but who are you really at your core?. You have to find ways to own that and figure it out first and then to own that.
Another example of self betrayal, maybe you’re making all of these so called “safe decisions”, instead of the ones that actually feel right to you. Not taking the action to show up as a full version of yourself, or expecting others to make you happy or to complete you. I will barf If I hear anyone, say ‘so and so completes me’. I can’t. I can’t. And I’ve always felt that way. I have always, always felt that way. And yet, yes, I still ended up in a relationship that was not really serving me. But even when I was in that relationship, in the happiest moments of that relationship, I never once thought ‘he completes me’. That has never been my thought process, but I still obviously betrayed myself in a variety of other ways to maintain that relationship, even though it wasn’t serving me. If you are looking for somebody to complete you, somehow, what that is telling you and yourself is that you aren’t enough. Again, like we’re circling back to this again, that you weren’t enough on your own. So you need to have somebody else kind of fill a void for you to be whole and I have news for you, you are responsible for your own happiness. The most important relationship you can have in your life is the one that you have with yourself because at the end of the day, that is the one that is always going to be there. That’s it. It’s the relationship you have with you. That is the only one that you can 100% depend on. You’re always at the end of the day, you’re always going to be left with you. So how are you going to show up for you? How are you going to maintain that relationship with you. That’s the one that you have to look at. And that is the one where this is really ultimately what self betrayal comes down to the most and why it’s so important to kind of heal self betrayal and to catch yourself when you’re in it. Otherwise, you’re never going to be able to feel happy standing on your own two feet. If you’re constantly betraying yourself.
Another example of self betrayal is when you can kind of feel the weight of things, like procrastination or holding yourself back, either to please other people or simply because you’re maybe just plain scared. But the cost is a total betrayal of yourself. When we behave in a way that’s sort of intended to please others rather than ourselves, we’re admitting to ourselves that we don’t like who we are, and that we’re not enough. I’m going to keep reiterating that because I think it’s a really important point to note. A lot of times we’ll search for other people or other ways to kind of fill these voids, or these thoughts that are within us and we avoid taking responsibility for ourselves. But when we’re in self betrayal mode, it’s very difficult to have compassion for ourselves, or to forgive ourselves. We hold a lot of shame, we hold a lot of guilt. We have so many things weighing us down when we’re constantly in this cycle of self betrayal, that it’s really hard to break out of it until you start to recognize some of these things for yourself.
So let’s move into some of the ways that you can start to move past it a little bit. One of the biggest things is breaking this cycle of shaming ourselves, and starting to lean into more around self forgiveness. I did an entire episode on unforgiveness that has been wildly popular, it has just continued to blow me away. Like people still reach out to me about this episode. It’s Episode 126 and it’s that forgiveness isn’t found, it’s earned and doing the inner work. I talk in that episode a lot not just about the forgiveness of others, but the forgiveness of ourselves because that is the hardest type of forgiveness to create. A lot of times we have to forgive ourselves for the choices that we had to make in situations when we were trying to survive or when we didn’t know any better. Those are the kinds of things that we need to do. But listen, if you take no risks in life, so if you’re betraying yourself through playing small and through procrastination, you know, feeling that weight of the procrastination but you know that you’re holding yourself back. You’re trying to please other people all the time, any of those things. If you take no risks, you’re guaranteed disappointment. And if you do take some risks, you might be disappointed. Or you might get everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Think about that for a minute. Think about what happens if you actually truly start to believe that you deserve every good thing that is coming to you. How would that feel? Someone said that to me recently, and I was sort of blown away for a moment. I was like, wow, that every good thing is actually like, I am actually deserving of every good thing. That was a really profound moment. Like Damn. That’s pretty incredible to think about, you know, no more living a mediocre life. And I was living a mediocre life, but I didn’t even recognize it for what it was because I was so terrified that I would never find any better out there. The cost was a life half lived. I’ve noticed a correlation within myself now that I’ve become more aware of it. Of, I get really high anxiety when I’m betraying myself the most. And you might find the same as well. I can actually sense it now if I’m feeling really high anxiety, I can start to check in I’m like, ‘what choices am I making right now that are going against me, going against my values, going against who I want to be, who I am working on becoming’. When I was in that relationship, I thought that that was kind of like the best that I could get. I was full of anxiety all the time. All the time. Again, I talked about that in Episode 117. My anxiety was becoming increasingly crippling. I didn’t even have regular periods because I was so stressed and yet they regulated as soon as I ended the nine year relationship. Literally as soon as they handed us through to the end of the relationship, my periods were regulated, but I didn’t even realize how stressed I was, because it had become my normal. So it wasn’t until I broke out of that, that it was like the fog lifted and everything started to shift. So it’s tough when you’re in particular situations. If you can start to recognize these small signs in yourself, you might start to really see some correlations in your own life. When it comes to sort of undoing self betrayal and ever gaining trust in yourself, one of the best things that you can do is start keeping really small promises to yourself. I talk about this more in Episode 208 about self integrity and keeping promises to yourself. But cultivating self trust takes time. It takes practice, particularly, the longer you’ve been betraying yourself. So when I ended a nine year relationship, that there had been all kinds of self betrayals on my part, wrote that near decade I had to start really fucking small to start to rebuild that trust of myself that started with things as simple as you know, I said that I was going to go for a walk today so I will go for a walk and I would drink X number of glasses of water or something like things that sound really silly and ridiculous. But if you make the promises too big and then you don’t fulfill them, it’s just going to perpetuate the cycle of self betrayal if you make them much more reasonable and borderline easy, it sounds weird, but you’re actually going to start to trust that. I was listening to a podcast by I believe it was Manifestation Babe Catherine Zuniga? Is that her last name? and she was talking about I don’t know that she was talking exactly about self betrayal but kind of similar and you know, having trust in yourself. And she was saying that one of the tools that she uses to rebuild that within herself is that if she is saying, she if she’s going to go take a shower, let’s say that’s the promise she’s keeping to herself, okay? She’s gonna go take a shower, she will already be on her way to the shower, or literally stepping into the shower, saying to herself, ‘I’m going to go take a shower, I’m going to go take a shower, I’m going to go take a shower, I’m going to go take a shower’. And it’s so easy to fulfill that and to start to build that trust in herself because she’s literally taking a shower. So she is already basically doing it and you do that for little things over the course of a few weeks and months and that really starts to make a difference. Like you’re going to go make lunch and tell yourself ‘I’m going to go make lunch’ as you’re making your lunch. ‘I’m going to go work out’, as you are starting your workout, there’s all kinds of examples here that we could do. But cultivating that self trust is going to take time.
Ask yourself as well, how does this feel in my body? So when you’re making any type of decision or choice or anything like that, is there any part of you that is clenched or tightened or nervous? Do you have a sinking feeling? Or do you feel light and energized? This was a big one for me. A couple years ago, my therapist, actually I guess, she’s still my therapist. She said to me, ‘where do you feel anxiety in your body?’ And it stopped me dead in my tracks because nobody had ever asked me that before. And I had to really think about it. I’m like, I don’t know and then I realized that it’s in my stomach. I can always feel it in my stomach whenever I start feeling anxious, it’s always in my stomach and I noticed my stomach is clenched and tight and I have to sort of take a deep breath, & relax. I’m like, ‘Okay, I’m stressed, that little ball of stress is showing up’. And that’s where it shows up for me. It’s gonna look different for everybody. But start to ask yourself those types of questions. I want you to lean in and tune in to what your body is trying to tell you. Because I will say this over and over and over again, our bodies are far smarter than we are, far smarter than we are, and we don’t give our bodies nearly enough credit. So start paying attention to what your body is trying to tell you.
A question that I always ask clients and I always try to ask myself as well, ‘How does that feel for you?’ So if a client asked me for advice, I will often ask them more questions to dig deeper and stuff. Then I will, eventually depending on the situation, give my advice, give my response, whatever that is, but then I’ll say to them, ‘okay, but how does that feel for you?’ I was even talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about how he was going to price a program and I said, ‘what are you pricing it?’ and he told me and I said, ‘Okay’. I suggested to him that he raise it a little bit higher but then I followed that immediately with ‘how does that feel for you? And he said, ‘you know, that feels pretty good!” but he was a little bit uncertain and I said, it has to feel good for you. It has to feel good for you. I can tell you something all day long, any of us can tell anybody, anything all day long but if it doesn’t feel good to us or to the other person, it’s not gonna make any difference. It has to feel good for you, for the person that is embodying that, you are the only one who has to live with you, no matter what! Come hell or high water, if you continue to betray yourself, you’re never going to be comfortable and confident in your own skin.
Another big one here is to kind of stop this cycle of self betrayal is catching yourself in the negative self talk and the thought that sort of negative thought patterns towards yourself. So kind of that shame spiral right, Brene Brown is a great one to go to all about shame. I highly recommend everything by Brene Brown. My friend, Tyler J. McCall, he’s been on the podcast and I believe he referred to Brene on that podcast as our queen. I would not disagree with that any of her books or podcasts is called Unlocking Us. Any of the things so go check up Brene. If you want more information about shame, she is far and away the expert as far as I’m concerned. Catching yourself in sort of those shame spirals that we can get into & just being aware that we’re starting to fall into that, that’s huge in and of itself. So often, we’re so used to speaking to ourselves in such a negative way that we just take it as normal. We don’t even think twice about it. We’re like, yeah, you know, we’re just beating ourselves up, we’re so hard on ourselves, I can be very hard on myself very, very hard on myself. That’s something that I have to work really hard to catch myself in when I have those lower moments. Boundaries as well, we talked about a little bit about over committing and obligations and stuff like that, but boundaries are a big one. I’m going to reference a few different podcast episodes here about boundaries. But the thing is, is that when we set a boundary people are 100% going to push against those boundaries. So just like the sooner you accept and expect that they’re going to push against those boundaries and test you, the easier it will be for you to maintain those boundaries and not be surprised when people test the boundaries. Okay? They’re not testing your boundaries because they’re bad people, we all do this, every single human being will test other human beings’ boundaries. That’s just what we do. You have to hold firm on that because otherwise, you’re betraying yourself again, if you set a boundary, and then you don’t actually enforce a boundary that isn’t enforced it’s only a suggestion and it is a continued part of the self betrayal cycle. So if you’re going to set a boundary you have to stick with that boundary.
Circling back to the kind of ‘you complete me’ thing… Real Love means acceptance of you as a whole. But that real love that starts with you loving yourself, and I know that sounds cliche, like love yourself, ah, I get it, I get this sounds super cliche, but if you’re waiting for someone else to come along and love all of you to make it better, those issues will persist unless you fall in love with yourself first. You have to be able to and I’m not saying this happens overnight by the way! This is a process, like sometimes a years long process. And it’s also a journey. It’s not like a destination. I think that all of us are always on this journey of learning new things about ourselves and uncovering more layers in ourselves and figuring out how to fall in love with these new parts of ourselves that we discover on the journey. Okay, this is not a destination. You need to be able to recognize within yourself like, ‘Hey, I’m pretty fucking awesome!’. I want you to be able to recognize that within yourself, because it’s only in the last year or so that I’ve really started to recognize that myself and it has changed how I show up, how I carry myself, how other people view me. It’s been really interesting. And it’s not about changing how other people view me, I don’t mean to make it sound that way. It’s just been interesting to see that when you kind of exude that energy, you tend to draw in really incredible energy in return. That sounds super Woo. But it’s, it’s really powerful. It’s really, really powerful. And one of the last things I’ll say is that when it comes to getting to know yourself, and starting to recognize these signs of self betrayal and starting to actually change and fix some of these signs of self betrayal, part of that is going to require you to create moments of peace and stillness and quiet for yourself. Because it is a very noisy world, I’ve got to tell you, we thought the world was noisy before. 2020 is a whole new level. There’s always something going on, there is just so much happening and changing in the world. If you want any sort of peace or stillness, it’s not going to fall into your lap, you’re going to have to cultivate that for yourself. It’s really hard to tune into what feels best for you if you never allow yourself the space to do so. The space to actually figure that out for yourself. And again, even if it’s just a few moments, like a few quick moments, that is absolutely by far better than nothing, but it can just give you that moment of breathing space. to just get still, get quiet and tune in to yourself a little bit more. Okay?
So, self betrayal this is a big one and this is not something that is fixed overnight. This is part of the journey, we’re always going to be uncovering more and more parts of ourselves within that and within the context of working this out more, but I think it’s really, really important, because that’s something that can be holding us back in a wide variety of ways. Okay, so let me know what you think. If you know somebody who would benefit from hearing this, please take a screenshot & share it with them. Can you tag me on social media as well? That would be awesome, because I really want to thank you in real life for listening. I am always so grateful for each and every person who tunes into this podcast! It never ceases to amaze me. I’m always blown away that people tune in and listen. It’s incredible. So thank you for listening. And yeah, we’ll be back on Thursday.
Questions? Comments? Want to connect and chat about this episode? You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or DM me over on Instagram @emilygoughcoach or Facebook at Emily Gough Coaching. I would absolutely love to connect with you and thank you for listening in real life and here any takeaways you had from this or other episodes!. It makes me day to see you listening to the podcast and fills me up with pure joy. Seriously. See you on the ‘gram!
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