It might be easy to think that time is the most important thing in building a strong relationship. But time means nothing if it’s not spent wisely. Today, we’re we’re talking about three important things – call them myths – you need to understand about time: 

-Time doesn’t heal all wounds

-Length does not equal depth

-Energy is far more valuable than time

While time is still an important factor in all relationships, by reframing these three important aspects, we’ll be able to better utilize time in our relationships and our personal growth. I’ve also included a 4-step Energetic Audit to help you identify things that are bringing you down that you may not even notice, and how to begin creating more space for joy.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

• The healing process
• Why pain can be a door for opportunity
• Why long relationships are not automatically healthy ones
• Why energy is more valuable than time
• What to look for when interacting with others
• How to perform an Energetic Audit

What have you learned about time and relationships in your life? Please reach out, I’d love to discuss! Email me or DM on Instagram @emilygoughcoach

CONNECT WITH EMILY

THE COMMUNICATION CLINIC  – Monday, March 20, 2023 (sign up here)

Book A Private Coaching Call With Emily To Work Together.

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Instagram: @Emilygoughcoach

Email: Info@Emilygoughcoaching.com                                     

Website: Emily Gough Coaching

Podcast: Room To Grow Podcast

REFERENCES

Episode 330 | Managing Your Energetic Capacity & Clearing Space For The Life & Relationships You Want

Episode 287 | A Relationship Ending Is Never A Failure – It’s An Introduction To A New Version Of Yourself

Episode 305 | Re-Thinking Boundaries & Becoming An Energetic Match For Your Desires

Episode 320 | Integration Of Wisdom

Episode 117 | The 9 Year Affair: Lessons In Infidelity

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TRANSCRIPT

Time does not heal all wounds. I cannot stress that enough. It’s about what you choose to do with that time. The efforts that you put into tending to your wounds and the ways you go about doing your own inner work that will determine how you heal. Yes, time is a necessary part of the healing process, absolutely. But if we rely on time to be the whole thing,

I think you’re gonna end up very disappointed. I’m Emily Gough, a human connection coach, writer, and speaker with an insatiable sense of curiosity and adventure, always asking more questions and using the power of stories to teach, learn, and Grow. We boldly explore relationships, connection, and the nuances and complexities of the human experience with compassion, honesty, and a sense of humor.

With both solo episodes and highly curated guests, sharing incredible stories, experiences and expertise. The Room to Grow Podcast takes the entire idea of growth to the next level, all while covering the uncomfortable topics many of us would like to avoid. There’s always more room to grow. Let’s do this. Hey there. Welcome back to The Room to Grow podcast Emily here.

And today we are gonna talk about the three things that you need to understand about time. This is born from not only my own personal experience, but through many, many, many conversations with clients over the years and just seeing how some of these things really play out in our lives when we don’t have this understanding. So I’m really excited to dive into this one,

but first I want to let you know the, I am holding a brand new workshop. This is totally free, called The Communication Clinic. It’s happening on Monday, March 20th at 7:00 PM Eastern. And it is going to be more teaching style initially, but, so it’s kind of like a masterclass because I’ve got a lot to teach you and a lot to share around,

around all of this. But I am leaving tons of time for questions because that’s honestly my favorite part is getting into that. So if you have issues that are happening in your relationships, if you have questions that you want answered around communication, any of these sayings that come to this workshop, I teach communication in a way that I rarely ever, I don’t actually think I’ve ever seen anyone else teach communication the way that I teach it to be straight up with you.

This is, and again, I wanted to make this totally free. Normally I would make this a paid event and I decided that I wanted to open this up so anyone can attend it, because I think that the information is so valuable that I literally want to make sure that as many people as possible have access to it. So I’m gonna be teaching you about the 10 commandments for communication that will revolutionize your relationships from the inside out while actually making them even more fun and,

and bringing more ease into your relationships in the way you communicate. We’re gonna be talking about bridging the gaps between the different ways that men and women communicate, because it can be a little bit different depending on the individual expanding your nervous system capacity to be able to show up for the tough conversations without being overwhelmed. That is a big one. That is a big one.

I’m gonna be giving you really specific tools around this from a very like holistic standpoint as well. We’re digging into the unconscious ways that we might be completely sabotaging connection and shifting how we show up to address the very root of the issues that can get in the way. And you’re going to leave this workshop with such truly potently powerful communication skills that you’ll be able to connect with a newfound sense of,

of courage and honesty and sincerity and, and to have it be genuinely you. This is not me feeding you a bunch of lines to say, because yes, that can be useful. And there are some, some actual, you know, very specific tools that I’m going to give you verbal tools that you can bring into conversation because I do think that that’s really useful.

But I see a lot of times communication gets taught by only looking at that. And I think it does a really big disservice to the many other ways that communication is, is is used by us. Like 70 to 90% of our communication is nonverbal. So anyone who feeds us, you know, certain lines to say that’s great, but that that doesn’t change the,

the core level understanding of the way that we communicate and what are you gonna do in the next conversation if you don’t have another line to pull out of your back pocket? I, if you don’t have the foundational understanding of how to communicate and in your own unique way. So this is what I’m gonna be teaching in this workshop. I’m really, really excited about this.

So make sure to go grab your spot Monday, March 20th at a 7:00 PM Eastern end. I can’t wait to see you there. And if you are listening to this after that date, make sure to check the show notes anyway, because you will still be able to grab the replay, okay? So go check it out and I’m really, really pumped to do this,

but try to attend live if you can because then I actually get to see your beautiful face and connect with you and answer your questions in real time, which I’m very excited about. So make sure to go grab your spot for that. So, okay, the three things that you need to understand about time, number one is that time does not heal all wounds.

Time does not heal all wounds. I cannot stress that enough. It’s about what you choose to do with that time, the efforts that you put into tending to your wounds and the ways you go about doing your own inner work that will determine how you heal. And I talk to people regularly, regularly, in fact, increasingly so more recently, who are well into their,

their fifties dealing with deeply painful events that happened potentially decades ago. And there’s nothing wrong with that, by the way. There’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone is so unique in their healing process. Healing looks different for every single individual that that is. I’m not stating that as a judgment, I’m telling, telling you that because it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.

Pain can provide a, a doorway of opportunity and it can gift us if we choose it to do so with a sense of purpose, with possibilities, with redirection. And yes, time is a necessary part of the healing process. Absolutely. No one goes through a, a, a traumatic, a deeply traumatic event or a devastating breakup or anything like that snaps their fingers.

And because we magically do some inner work, work then, you know, in, in, in three days time, we’re, we’re good, right? That’s not really how it works. Yes, time is very much part of the healing process, but if we rely on time to be the whole thing, I think you’re gonna end up very disappointed and you’re going to end up in a position down the road where you’re wondering why you’re held back in,

in so many ways or why certain things still hurt so much and, and why you’re still in so much pain. Because I, if we just sit back, cross our fingers and, and hope to white knuckle it through without ever doing anything differently to create ways to use our pain, we’re gonna have a much harder time. And, and truly, I i i,

it, it just, it breaks my heart a little bit, a lot actually. When I talk to people who have gone through something painful and they maybe don’t have anyone to turn to. They, they, maybe they don’t have support, maybe they don’t know how to navigate their pain in any other way except to kind of white knuckle it through and hope that time makes it better.

And it time will only do so much for you if you aren’t doing the your own inner work in other ways. We have to tend to our wounds in order to get to the root of the issue. And then time is a very necessary ingredient for the healing process, but it’s not the whole thing. So that’s something that we really, really need to understand.

The second one here is that length of time does not equal depth of connection. You can meet someone who has better intentions for you and that you feel a, a stronger, deeper and more powerful connection to, to that, to that person than someone you’ve known for years. And yet, oddly, we often quantify so-called success in a romantic relationship in terms of how long we’ve been with someone.

And when I was in a nine year relationship, I, I was secretly so proud and I didn’t even, I don’t even know if I fully comprehended just how proud I was at the time of being able to tell people how long we’d been a couple. And, and with each year that passed, I, I was more and more validated by people’s reaction because like,

oh 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years, I, I was very validated by people’s reactions when they would marvel at the length of time that, that we had been together. Yet, as it turned out later, unbeknownst to me at the time, the foundation of that entire relationship was built on quicksand. I go into that more in in episode one 17. So you can definitely check that out,

but time is not what matters most. It’s love, it’s connection, it’s a willingness to grow and to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations speaking of the communication clinic, by the way. So make sure to go grab your spot for that because I can be giving you the tools on how to have these uncomfortable conversations. So definitely, definitely check that out.

But this, I I really do mean this like we, time, time is not what matters most when it comes to the depth of connection. Similarly, on sort of like an opposite end of the spectrum, I have had people come to me who were maybe devastated over a relationship that perhaps was, was only a few months old. And then sometimes I’ll,

I’ll see them, they’ll actually almost try to catch themselves and, and be like, oh, you know, I know it’s, it’s nothing compared to like a nine year relationship or a five year relationship or, or a 20 year marriage or whatever. And, and sure, I like, look, we could make that argument I guess, but first of all,

we don’t do comparative suffering around here. It’s not, it’s not how I roll. So comparative suffering is, you know, when we are comparing our suffering to someone else’s and, and trying to minimize our own pain because we recognize that someone out there has it worse. I’ve got news for you. Someone out there is always gonna have it worse than you always.

That does not take away from your very real pain. And trying to minimize our own pain is only going to serve to suppress it and to not allow us to have the, the full range of the experience that’s necessary for us to heal. That’s a very necessary part of it. So when people will, will try to minimize that, I, I’m like,

yes, but I i I a nine 10, you know, 20 year relationship again, I, I’m not, I’m not taking away from how significant that is at all, but I’m also wanting to offer that we extend just as much grace to someone who was suffering, even if it was only a, a, a relationship that was a few months long,

particularly because they may have felt more deeply connected to that particular person and in that particular relationship than somebody who’s been with someone else for 20 years. Truly, it’s, it’s not, we’re we’re not comparing apples to apples to apples as the saying goes. Like, we need to just take each individual situation to approach, approach each, each situation and each person an individual with compassion because suffering is universal.

And when we try to compare, it’s not, it’s not a useful exercise for anyone, but my main point is that length of time is does not equal depth of connection. The third thing that we need to understand, this is a big one. The third thing that we need to understand about time is that your energy is a resource more valuable than time.

And I, I’ve mentioned this a couple times in the podcast before, but I think it’s important to, to mention again, I am someone and I’m sure I I I’m certain actually that I have stated in, in much earlier episodes that time was our most valuable resource because we, we can’t generate more time. So yes, and I, and I still stand by that to a degree,

but as I have come to deepen my understanding of the energetics of things, I very much argue that your energy is actually even more valuable than time. Because think about really draining interactions with people that leave us feeling emotionally hungover for days and, and perhaps that job that sucked the life from us and, and left us with little leftover to give to ourselves or our loved ones or the client that left us anxious and on edge for hours after we hung up the phone.

These experiences take far more of our time than the actual interaction themselves because the energy leaks continue long afterwards. They just continue on and on and on and on depending on, on the particular situation. So when we allow our energy to be drained carelessly, it’s like, it’s like water leaking into a sinking ship and being unable to control the flood. So we have to manage our energy and to audit not just our time,

that’s important too, but audit not just our time, but what brings us joy and what lights us up as well as what leaves us feeling exhausted, depleted, drained down any of these types of things. So I go into that more in episode three 30 about managing your energetic capacity and clearing space for the life and relationships that you want. But really quickly,

I’m gonna run through an energy audit here and I talk about it more in episode three 30 as well. But I, I walk clients through this as well where this, this is, this is an energetic audit that is necessary to clear space from the old to welcome in the new, and to get really clear on where we are spending our time and energy and where we are perhaps draining our time and energy unnecessarily.

And starting to get really clear on that, get some clarity around that so that we can shift things. So the first, the first part of the energetic audit is to pay attention to the way you feel after interactions with different people. So do you feel lit up and energized and inspired, or do you feel drained and exhausted and down? And, and that isn’t about cutting people out of our lives.

I i if if they leave you, you know, exhausted or drained after a particular interaction. It’s just bringing awareness to our energy and how it’s affected by certain dynamics. And it can also provide a starting point for where we might need to introduce or enforce boundaries with some people as well. The second part of the energetic audit is to make a list of things that are weighing you down energetically.

So this could be tasks that you’ve been putting off, like physical clutter that’s been weighing you down. That’s a big one. That’s a really, really big one. Conversations that you have been avoiding. Again, speaking of the communication clinic, how much mental energy are each of these things costing you? And what solutions can you come up with to change that?

The third one here is to audit your calendar in the interest of clearing some space moving forward. So what, what tasks have, have a tendency to take over your calendar. Where is the best use of your time and energy? Like note the, really pay attention to the, the energetic weight and the immediate reaction you have when you see each, each thing on your calendar.

And if possible, see where you could maybe get a little bit creative to shift things moving forward. And, and don’t forget to pay attention to the constant task switching and stuff too, which can also be really costly when it comes to energy. Like are there, are there ways that you can group certain areas of your calendar together so that it frees up a little bit more space moving forward?

And the fourth one here is to leave space for the magic to come in. All of these steps begin to clear space for new and incredible growth and healing and for life to have enough room to come into your world and begin to take shape. Because if your life is so full that, but, but you want all of these other things to come into your life,

but there’s no room for any of them to come in. Where where do you expect to put them? You know, sometimes we have to, we have to make space for something before it will be able to be delivered to us. Not always, but I do think that, that that can actually be a, a really powerful tool to use to almost indicate to the universe like,

I’m serious about prioritizing this thing. Maybe, maybe you are looking forward to ending up having a, a partner eventually and, and perhaps the life that you envision with that partner is spending lots of evenings and weekends together. I’m just, I’m I’m saying this totally hypothetically, okay, fantastic, that’s beautiful. But if you currently work all the time and you leave no room for joy or any space in your life and you work really long hours and,

and you don’t even know what it’s like to have evenings and weekends available, it’s sort of like you’re, you’re expecting someone else to come into your life to change that. But is that really going to work? We might think in our minds that it is, but sometimes we actually need to clear the space to allow the thing to come in or or the person to come in in that particular instance.

And I have a little bonus tip here for you in terms of, you know, these three things to understand about time. I’ve got a bonus, fourth tip because when I, when I posted about this on social media, I asked if there were other things that, that people wanted to add to this list. And I got a really, really great one where somebody suggested that the fourth thing that we need to understand about time is being patient with ourselves as we navigate through more difficult and uncomfortable moments.

That is such a beautiful answer and such a fantastic reminder because these are the moments that we need to be able to offer ourselves compassion, to offer others compassion as well as they are moving through their own difficult moments to, to gift ourselves and others with that, that compassion is key. It is key. And I have to tell you that the road to healing is not made faster.

And in fact is, is not only I, I would argue potentially slowed down but made far more difficult and unpleasant when we’re constantly beating ourselves up or we’re, we’re constantly looking around going like, am I happy yet? Like, why am why am I not through this yet? And trust me, I understand the frustration and I say this as someone who is not known for her patience.

Patience is not my strong suit. So I deeply, deeply understand that. And what I can offer you is that when we can compassionately work ourselves through the really difficult moments, it makes things just a little bit easier to carry. It’s not make moving through pain easy, but it can make the weight of it a little bit easier and it can make the journey just a,

a tiny bit less, less rocky and you will enjoy your life more, even in the depths of pain. You will enjoy your life even a degree more if you are not constantly giving yourself such a hard time. Like, why am I not through this yet? Why am I not past this yet? Why am I not healed yet healed? Even though,

you know, all of us are always like healing all the time anyway, but when we recognize that gifting ourselves with that compassion will actually help us through this process as opposed to hinder it, that can maybe change the conversation a little bit even within ourselves. Okay, so I’m gonna list a few other episodes to check out that would go really well with this one.

Another one to check out is episode 2 87. All about a relationship ending is never a failure, it’s an introduction to a new version of yourself. That can be a really great one to tie in with the, the the point that I made about like the depth of connection. But there’s a few others as well and I’m excited to hear your thoughts on this.

And again, I wanna hear what else would you add to this list about the things that we need to understand about time. We just need to make this like a living doc or something and then just keep adding to it. So I’d love to hear from you. Let me know what you think. Send me DM over at Emily Goff, coach on Instagram.

You can always send me an email at info Emily Goff coaching.com and make sure to go grab your spot for the communication clinic as well. I am so excited about this. I’m really, really lit up having some fantastic conversations with us about people are with people and I’m just really pumped to, to share this content. So can’t wait, can’t wait to see your face there to answer all of your questions and actually get to connect with you too,

because when I do these podcasts, I love podcasting, but I get to just stare at a screen while I’m doing it and I would rather get to interact with amazing humans instead and like get to chat with you in real time. So go save your spot for that. I can’t wait to see you and I will talk to you soon. Thank you so much for listening.

If you want more, one of the most common questions I get is where do I even start doing this work to create deeper connections and better relationships? I’ve got a free 15 page guide for you called, where Do We Begin? This is the very foundation that you need to start building healthy relationships with others and with yourself. This is my gift to you and multiple people have referred to it as life changing.

You can find it over at Room to grow podcast.com or check the show notes to go download it and have it sent straight to your inbox. Thanks so much and stay tuned for more episodes weekly.