Trust is like the oxygen that fans the flames of a relationship. When you can fully grant trust to your partner, it allows each of you to fill each other’s needs within a relationship.

Not trusting your partner is often not a sign of their untrustworthiness, rather lack of trust in yourself – which is where the work then needs to happen. 

Today we’re talking all about the beautiful benefits of trusting your partner – particularly when it comes to filling their own personal needs and yours (alone time, going out with friends etc.). It not only results in a happier, healthier version of them, but helps you establish strength and trust in yourself to stand solidly on your own and inside the relationship.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

• Learning to trust your partner more
• Taking time for yourself in a relationship
• Allowing your partner to go out with friends
• Why lack of trust is a sign of not trusting yourself
• Creating healthier, happier relationships
• How to deepen your connection in a relationship
• How events of our past leads to distrust
• Letting go of past relationship pain
• What happens when you learn to trust others

If you work on the relationship with yourself, so many things will fall into your life beautifully. If this is something you’re ready to explore – I’d love to work together with you. Coaching opportunities are open now – email me or send me a DM on Instagram (@emilygoughcoach) to get started!

 

CONNECT WITH EMILY

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Instagram: @emilygoughcoach

Email: Info@emilygoughcoaching.com    

 

REFERENCES

Episode 263 | The Value In Being Alone On Purpose (Whether Single Or In A Relationship)

Episode 310 | Lose The Labels That Keep You Small & Expand Into Real Freedom

Episode 220 | Recognizing What Self-Betrayal Looks Like

Episode 352 | The Subtle Ways Self-Abandonment Sneaks Up On Us

Episode 268 | Trust Is A Choice: Creating A Confident Relationship With The Unknown

 

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome back to the Room To Grow podcast, Emily here and today we are going to be talking a little bit about how to deepen love and trust in your relationships, and even if you aren’t currently in a relationship, I think that you will probably find some a lot of things in this episode useful to apply, not only when looking at yourself and your own relational patterns, but how to set yourself up beautifully for whenever your your next relationship comes forth. And I’m going to give you some specific examples in this one, and these are ones that it’s interesting. I really struggled with these over the years, and it wasn’t until I started making some really big shifts inwardly that things started to change drastically in my relationship. So the example that I’m going to give here is so typically in a relationship, one partner tends to be perhaps geared a little bit more towards closeness and connection, and the other one can sometimes be a little bit more geared towards a little bit more freedom, and I don’t really I don’t teach about stuff like polarity. I’ve had guests on this podcast who’ve talked about polarity beautifully, and I think that it can be a really useful tool. I do not, however, think that it is the entire picture, and that’s why I don’t teach on it. So I’m not labeling this as like masculine, feminine. It just tends to be that one can usually err a little bit more one direction, the other can lean a little bit more towards connections, so that connection sort of versus freedom part, and I have been on both sides of that equation too. So there have been times where I have been the one in a relationship who needed more space, and there have been other times where I was the one who was really deeply seeking more and more connection, to the point of having a lot of anxiety about it.

And the thing is that taking space in a relationship can feel like a threat. And I want to define what I mean here by space. I’m not talking about space like taking a break from the relationship. I’m talking about going out with your friends as opposed to with your partner. Once in a while, going for a walk by yourself, like doing something to fill your own cup by yourself or with your friends, something that doesn’t involve your partner. That’s what I’m talking about when I’m talking about taking space for this particular example. So and for this example I’m going to kind of refer to because it’s sort of like the most recent example that I’ve come across and the one that I leaned more towards was I’m going to refer to if we’re talking about heterosexual relationship, because that’s the only personal experience that I have, but this could be applied to absolutely any human. I’m going to be talking about the man being the one who needs more space just because that that can tend to be a little bit more common, but it is certainly is not always. Again, I have been I personally have been a little bit more on both sides of this equation, so I hear it from both sides.

But when your partner let’s, let’s say, you know your, your look, if your partner comes to you and lets you know that they want to go up with their, their friends, that they want to go out and, you know, do something to fill their own cup, that they are feeling super drained, whatever it is, I want to encourage you to give that to your partner, give that to him. And years ago in past relationships, I used to freak out about that. I used to feel abandoned or I took it personally, or I thought that my partner was mad at me or that we were. You know, the giving, giving him space, would lead to our ultimate demise in the relationship. It felt very threatening to me. Now I do whatever I can to support my partner in fulfilling that need, because I recognize so deeply that I get a happier, healthier and more fulfilled man in return. And the bonus to this is that, selfishly, my needs will be far better filled if he is taking care of himself too, like we.

Both parties in any relationship need to fill their own needs, and and filling your own needs is is your responsibility. Your energy is yours to manage and you are the one who has to recognize when you are feeling drained. You need to take care of that. Yes, sometimes it’s going to mean coordinating more with your partner if you need time apart or something like that, and we’re going to talk about that more. But what I sometimes see happening is that if, if one partner asks for a little bit more space or, you know, wants to go do their own thing or something like that, it can be very easy to quickly label that other person as avoidant or, you know, just just treating it to use, bringing, like a single, something like attachment theory into it to call them out on being avoidant and treat them as though they’re not an equal party in the relationship, that they’re not equally as invested in the relationship as you are, and that’s really problematic. I’ve talked before on this on this podcast, about how I feel about labels. It’s actually a really popular episode that I’ve done about that. I’ll reference it in the show notes for you.

But this is something that we need to question, because if we are, if we’re busy pointing a finger at someone else, there’s always three more pointing back at us. So we have to look inward. If our, if our instinct is to call someone out on something else, we need to hold that mirror up, to look within, to see how it might be reflected back within us. What parts of us do we maybe need to closer examine or work on as a result of of this situation that is coming up, to give you that opportunity. And here’s the other thing If, if your partner takes care of of himself, he, if he go, if he goes and does the thing, if he, you know, goes out with the guys or I don’t know, goes fishing, whatever, whatever it is, whatever floats his boat, if he goes and does the thing and you have so-called given permission for him to do that, okay, I’m just using. I’m just using this for his loosely, loosely as an example.

And then he comes back from his outing, but you’re always miserable upon his return, or giving him the cold shoulder because you’re kind of shunning him, that like, ooh, like you left me for the day, like sort of we don’t always want to admit this to ourselves but sort of like a how dare you go, do that thing without me? Trust me, I’ve been there. I have been there in past relationships. That is not going to feel good for him, or for you for that matter, and he’s going to be less likely to even want to spend time and connect with you upon his return, or he’ll be less likely to take the time for himself that he really needs, because it will probably feel to him like it’s not worth the trouble, while he simultaneously abandons himself and then resents the restrictions of the relationship that he feels upon him. These are not, these are not good options. These are not not good outcomes that we want to to experience.

And when you instead grant him what he needs, to give him, you know, the the space to do his own things sometimes and whatever, and you take time to care for your own needs as well, it creates a beautifully, mutually reciprocal relationship and he will be excited to return to you. Otherwise, it can feel stifling and restrictive. But instead, if you actually start taking the opportunity to encourage him to take care of himself and again, that goes both ways you need to be taking care of yourself as well it’s actually giving him you and the relationship a gift. Instead, and sometimes maybe you might actually need to remind him how important you find it that he creates these moments for himself and have a conversation about how he can create that time, how you both can work together to create that space for each of you. Again, this is a two-way street. This is something that’s necessary for both people in the relationship. And trust your partner to know what he needs to fill his own cup, just as I hope he would be able to trust you to fill yours.

And if you don’t trust him to take that time for himself, ask yourself what’s underneath that. What’s underneath that? Do you not trust the connection with him? Do you not trust him and what he is so-called getting up to while he’s out of your supervision? Do you not trust yourself to handle his brief absence? I have to tell you, those can be some hard questions to answer and I have been again. I have been in relationships in the past where I did not want to answer those questions. I would have fought against answering those questions. I would have done almost anything to fight against answering those questions because I already knew the answers and I didn’t want to see those parts of myself. So this is hard. This is hard, but if you want to receive a fulfilled man, you need to grant him the space to fill himself Again, and vice versa.

And because I will always maintain I did an episode back on episode 263 about the value in being alone on purpose, whether you’re single or in a relationship, like cultivating some solitude for yourself, even if it’s tiny, little, brief moments in time. I know, especially for your parents out there, it can be really, really tough to create that. But if you can create even just like five minutes early in the morning or late at night, whatever it is, to create that tiny bit of space for just you that is so valuable, I really recommend checking out that episode to take a deeper dive into that. But ask yourself these questions. Ask yourself these questions and here’s what I want to remind you of. You may have never learned that someone can need space and simultaneously still be deeply committed at the same time. You may have never learned that, you may have never had that experience before, and that’s okay. That’s okay, but I want to let you know that that experience is available to you.

But sometimes we have to do the work within before someone else comes around and teaches us that it’s okay, and vice versa. Sometimes, like again, I always maintain that there’s so much healing that takes place in relationship as well, and this can also bring up like things like abandonment wounds and stuff like that, and I’ve got more coming on abandonment wounds, but for now, check out episode 220, all about what self-patrial looks like. In episode 352, the subtle ways that self-abandonment sneaks up on us. Both of those will do a deeper dive into some of the things that you can start to work on from within and how we can sort of start to show up for ourselves. But All of this really comes down to learning to trust your partner more, to deepen into trust and, by the way, I really want to stress this I always try to make note of this None of this is applicable in cases of abuse, okay, or if there has been, like a really significant breach of trust or anything like that. That’s going to take time to rebuild if both parties decide that they want to put in the work to rebuild it, but none of this is applicable in cases of abuse, okay, so I just want to make that super, super clear.

But if you are in an otherwise you know relatively healthy relationship, how can you learn to trust your partner more? And I talked about this a few episodes ago that when I was starting to date my, my, my partner, I was I was falling into overthinking, second guessing initially, like some of those things, and really it wasn’t about him. He was showing up for me in incredible ways and continues to. It was about me and my own self-doubt and insecurities and distrust of myself. And what distrust can often result in is trying to control a person or situation or outcome, to try and make ourselves feel safer and insulate ourselves from potential pain, and it backfires. That usually ends up going one of two ways Okay.

The first way is that the other person might do what you want. If you’re trying to convince them of a certain thing because you distrust them, okay, and and you, because of that distrust, it’s fueling you to exert control over them to do things your way, the other person might do what you want, but it’s going to be a bit of reward and it will leave you more distrusting than ever, because you’ll likely believe, even on a subconscious level, that they’re only showing up a particular way because you want them to. The second thing that will probably happen is that your distrust will push the other person away and cause an absolute chasm of disconnection between you and, honestly, generally you’ll end up with the latter sooner than later, even if initially, the person does does do what you want them to do. Because if they just cave immediately to whatever you want, you will probably end up feeling like they’re spineless, that they lack boundaries, that they they lack self-leadership, all of which will create even more distrust within you, sometimes without you fully even being conscious to it. So that’s really problematic too.

This is why it’s so important to continuously, whether you’re in a relationship or not, build up your sense of self, and we’ve also built up our sense of self in relation to others, whether it’s it’s a romantic connections or platonic or otherwise. But really learning to open to trust, that’s an active choice. That is an active choice and I’ve got more on that again coming up on an upcoming episode. But I really want to stress that because it can be really easy to to just expect others to meet us where we’re at and what that does. Is it actually kind of we? When we do that, we sort of place ourselves up on a pedestal and then we wonder why no one can meet us. We’re like we’re we’re we’re looking down on people again without really being conscious to it and basically telling them like, prove yourself, prove yourself, and that doesn’t feel good, like that doesn’t feel good to either party in that dynamic. And there’s a beautiful quote that I love from Dr Rachel Botsman trust is a confident relationship with the unknown. I did an entire podcast episode about that, episode 268. I highly recommend that episode as well about how to cultivate trust.

But ultimately my argument always comes down to the fact that trust is an active choice. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that when I release the illusion of control because I promise you it is very much an illusion, if I release the illusion of control and certainty to surrender into the unfolding, that is when things end up working themselves out. That’s when things magically seem to unfold. It doesn’t necessarily always unfold the way that we want it to, but it’s still going to unfold in a way that I believe personally is ultimately for your highest benefit, depending on what you choose to do with it. Plus, your partner wants your trust more than nearly anything, and when you can open and lean into that trust, it’s like oxygen that will fan the flames of the relationship.

And listen, not everyone is deserving of your trust. Okay, I am the first one to say that Not everyone is deserving of your trust. I have been in relationships where there was deep, deep betrayal going on without my knowledge. Like I, I’m very, very familiar with what that feels like, and not everyone is going to be deserving of your trust. Your openness, your vulnerability and trust is still built over time. But again, this comes down to a self-trust piece of trusting that, even if the other person breaks your trust that you will still be fine, you will still be able to hold it down for yourself. You will still be able to move through it, to move past it, to thrive on the other side, whether with that person or whether on your own. You will be able to have your own back. So this is why this is such a mirror, because if you are distrusting of everyone else, that ultimately points to a distrust within you. And yes, trust can still be broken. Even if it is built up beautifully over time, trust can still be broken. No one can promise you otherwise. But that’s why it’s called trust, because there are no guarantees in life. And, again, none of this is applicable in case of abuse.

Okay, but I really want to ask you like how would you show up differently if you trusted your partner, if you trusted the connection, if you trusted the journey, the unfolding, if you trusted yourself? How would that change things for you and how can you start operating from that space right now? Not trusting was always and has always been rooted in. When I have had moments of not trusting, it has ultimately always been rooted in my own self-doubt and insecurities and past pain, none of which had anything to do with the ways that my partner was showing up for me. And yes, sometimes people will break our trust. And this is where, over time, we learn discernment and boundaries and we go through the experiences that we do so that we can better gauge who we can trust and who we maybe can’t trust as much.

Not everyone gets to have a first-class full access past your heart, but that’s why it’s so special when you do let someone in and when you let someone in. That is a choice. So if you are making that choice and you want to expand the relationship, you’re going to have to look at the ways that you’re trusting people and that you are ultimately, the ways that you’re trusting yourself. So this is all really a huge exploration in terms of healing from within, and I would love to talk to you about this more. If you want to work with me privately, I would love to hear from you. So let me know I’m going to put all the information in the show notes so that we can connect, we can talk about what your options are and we can discuss what next steps could look like for you so that you can continue to open and expand and to have the beautiful, healthy, fulfilling relationship that you’re looking for, particularly starting with yourself, because when you can work on that relationship first, no matter what your relationship status is currently if you work on the relationship with yourself, there are a whole lot of other things that are going to fall into your life beautifully. So let me know how it goes.

I’m over at Emily Gough Coach over on Instagram. Love to hear from you. Send me a message. Send me an email. I’m at info at EmilyGoughCoaching.com. I always love getting feedback. If you have things that you would like me to cover on the podcast, if you have a question you’d like me to answer, please let me know. I’d love to chat with you and talk to you soon.